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January 18, 2011 / Maleesha Kovnesky

Ten Things I’ll Miss During the Apocalypse

I read a lot of books with apocalyptic themes (think The Stand, The Road, Wolf of Shadows) so maybe the end times are always in the back of my mind, but as I was applying lotion to my parched face the other night, I couldn’t help but think about where the hell am I going to get lotion during the Apocalypse?  This is a total first world problem, I know.

Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse

It made me start to wonder about other things that I will miss.  Since everyone likes a good list:

10.  Bran Flakes

Bran Flakes (see also Grape Nuts) have been a lifelong symbol of continuity for me.  No matter what tribulation I face in life, Bran Flakes have been there to greet me in the morning.  (I don’t want any comments about regularity, S.B.)  I can’t help but believe that cereal factories (not to mention the abundance of grain) will be seriously affected in the event of the End of the World.  Scholars believe that the “black horse” represents Famine, and that the rider carrying scales is showing how grain will be weighed.  I’m thinking Kellogg’s will be out of business.

9.  Fresh Eggs

I guess I like my breakfast.  I can’t even eat store eggs anymore after raising chickens.  Store eggs taste like, well, nothing really.  They are just egg texture with nothing substantial.  In the event of apocalypse, and grain shortages, I am fully expecting farm fresh eggs to be a distant memory.

8.  Shampoo

There will be lots of hair and personal hygiene issues during the apocalypse.  Part of this will be due to the lack of hot water and clean towels.  Lots of it will be due to nuclear fallout.  Personally, I will dream about fresh smelling hair, only to wake up to a knotted, gnarly mess full of ash and sorrow.

7.  Fabric softener

I get the feeling that in reality, I will be too busy with survival to actually worry about fabric softener.  As the masses walk down the dusty streets of dead cities, their clothing hanging off of them in strips, I bet that fashion and cleanliness will be a non-issue.  Every now and then, I wonder if I will imagine the delicate scent of April Fresh in my past life.

6. Tomatoes

I wonder if the apocalypse has already happened for tomatoes; everyone knows you can’t actually FIND a good tomato unless you grow it yourself.  I remember an episode of Gilligan’s Island where the castaways found giant fruit and vegetables washing up on shore, presumably the result of nuclear-borne mutations (I can’t remember the whole episode).  In the event of real radiation, I am betting that tomatoes won’t grow at all…and that’s not taking into account the whole blacked-out sun theories.  If they do grow they will probably be shaped like pencils and glow in the dark.

5.  Grass clippings

The fresh scent of a mowed lawn will be sadly missed.  A.) we won’t have lawns B.) we won’t have gas for the lawnmowers C.) no one will care about trivial things like lawns because they will be too busy running from cannibalistic tribes (have you read The Road?).

4.  Oil of Olay

This is the thought that begat this post.  I almost ran out of Oil of Olay last week and panicked.  Immediately I felt spoiled.  But in Montana’s dry clime, this girl needs her Oil of Olay before bed, or I might wake up looking like a raisin.  I can only presume how crappy one’s skin is going to feel during the end times.

3.  Dental Floss

I believe that teeth start to fall out after a couple of weeks of radiation poisoning so this probably won’t be an issue, but can you imagine getting a seed stuck in your maw during the apocalypse?  And no floss or toothpicks to get it out?  How annoying is that going to be?

2.  Magazines

It’s not really the magazines I will miss…it’s the casual ignorance and freedoms that magazines tend to represent.  Once in a while during our travels during the Apocalypse, we may pass the charred remnants of magazine racks, possibly catching a glimpse of Justin Bieber’s stupid hair.  We will miss that period in our lives when we had it good enough to give a crap about Justin Bieber (I’m going off something I heard on the radio…I will not admit to knowing who Justin Bieber is).

1.  Blue Skies

‘Nuff said.

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7 Comments

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  1. Bad Pants / Jan 19 2011 9:42 am

    Growing up as a Seventh-Day Adventist, we invested a LOT of time into thinking about, pondering, worrying about, and ultimately obsessing over the End Times. It’s not a psychosis if everybody’s doing it, right?

    Things I would most miss based on a combination of my opinions about camping and playing too much Fallout:

    1) hot water showers

    2) fluffy towels

    3) two-ply toilet paper in the jumbo roll

    4) 37 different varieties of cheese from around the world, conveniently placed in my grocery store right next to the breads and wines.

    5) water I don’t have to boil

    6) a ready supply of ammunition (although the last two years have already shown us what it’s like to live without this…a box of .308 costs $20 and you only have two in stock?!?)

    7) insect repellents

    8) google maps and GPS navigation

    9) AA batteries (and everything that requires them)

    10) not being hunted down by robotic overlords/cannibal zombie mutants/minions of the antichrist/scary shit we haven’t even invented yet

    “scary shit we haven’t even invented yet” – true dat!

  2. Allison / Jan 19 2011 5:58 am

    I can’t live without bark-like cereal, Oil-of-Olay, or dental floss. Every time I use dental floss I think of Julia Roberts from ‘Pretty Woman’ and those pesky strawberry seeds.

    We watched a mini-series about the tribulation in my junior high youth group, and I still have nightmares about it, and anything having to do with 666 (there’s a house with that address not too far from me…and I’ll buy a pack of gum if my total at the store comes out to be $6.66).

  3. Mike / Jan 18 2011 7:50 pm

    I hope the end comes sudden and swift so we aren’t forced to endure the torture of watching our loved ones become irregular – then die from having bad hair, teeth and raisin-skin.

  4. David / Jan 18 2011 4:49 pm

    You know, my wife smears that goop on her face every night before bed. If not that then some other goop. Whatever.

    After doomsday why even worry about wrinkles or ‘combination skin’? Our hair and teeth will have fallen out, and we’ll be covered with boils and sores. We’ll be choosing our mates by smell, or the lack thereof.

    “What? You don’t have diarrhea? I LOVE YOU!”

    Here’s the beauty part. There’ll be plenty of sand to pound. Plus, sand is a pretty good exfoliant right?

    Now is the time to start collecting good sand and ash recipes. And let’s not forget dust, which is low in fat. And I know you said not to mention it, but dust keeps you pretty regular. 🙂

    I read in the Enquirer last week that the Apocalypse may be cancelled if Elvis, ET, JFK, and Michael Jackson can’t all agree on which is best, Big Mac, Whopper, Twinkie, or Quaalude. Last we heard Twinkie was in the lead for post-apocalyptic snacks.

  5. Dave / Jan 18 2011 9:52 am

    Lights. I think I’d miss the ability to stay up at night and read without going blind from flickering candlelight. There’s so much electrical light in our world, we don’t even realize it. I mean, even in the middle of nowhere, you can still see city glow on the horizon.

    And new socks. Nothing makes the world right like a new pair of socks.

    BTW, if you want good post-apocalypse reading, try S. M. Stirling’s Emberverse. The first book is Dies the Fire. Excellent stuff.

    Ha! At least I will be prepared for those days with my crappy socks. Thanks for the recommendation! I’ll put it on my library list.

  6. shmode / Jan 18 2011 9:21 am

    Yup, survivalists will know where soap root is, or how to make it out of ashes and fat.

    And you’re not the only one to think like this. I’d miss indoor plumbing, refrigeration, and hell, water (assuming that the catastrophe would cause mass electrical wipeouts we’d have no water pumps). I’d miss toothpaste & brushes, toilet paper and my furnace.

    Oohhhh, good call on the toilet paper. Maybe it will be available from TP scalpers at $600 a roll for the first several months.

  7. Tony / Jan 18 2011 7:47 am

    Ms. K, you just need to hang with the right group of survivalist and you will be covered… The only thing I can’t promise is Oil of Olay and Blue Skies… but since the end will most likely come with some kind of socio-economic collapse ( not a rouge astroid or zombie virus ) we have a good shot at the Skies remaining as they are…

    🙂

    I’m banking on nuclear war, being a Cold War Kid. Either way, good to know I can band with your tribe. 😉

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