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January 5, 2011 / Maleesha Kovnesky

Montana Barbies

You have probably seen your state’s version before, but this always makes me laugh…

Montana State Barbies are FINALLY available!

Kalispell Barbie: This modern day homemaker Barbie is available with a Mercedes 4WD SUV, a Prada handbag and matching Nike Yoga ensemble. She has a masters degree and double-majored, but has the luxury of being a stay-at-home mom with Ken’s generous salary. Comes with Percocet prescription and Botox. Starbucks mug and traffic-jamming Blackberry internet/cell phone device sold separately. Husband Ken is into fishing, golfing, baseball and is often “working late.” Available at all Seattle-area Starbucks retailers.

Bozeman Barbie: This princess Barbie is only sold at Nordst rom. She comes with an assortment of Kate Spade handbags, your choice of a BMW convertible or Hummer H2 and a long-haired foreign lapdog named “Honey.” Also available is her cookie-cutter development dream house. Available with or without tummy tuck, facelift, and breast augmentation. Workaholic, cheating husband, Ken, comes with a Porsche.

Butte Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9mm handgun, switchblade, ’78 El Camino with dark tinted windows, and a meth lab kit. This model is available only after dark and can only be purchased with cash – preferably small bills, unless you’re a cop, then we don’t know what you’re talking about. Boyfriend Ken is in jail. Available at many pawn shops.

Great Falls Barbie: This tobacco chewing, brassy-haired Barbie comes with a pair of high-heeled sandals with one broken heel from the time she chased Beer Gut Ken out of Auburn Barbie’s trailer. Her ensemble includes low-rise acid-washed jeans, fake fingernails, strawberry lip gloss and a see-through halter top. Purchase her Mustang convertible separately an d get a Confederate flag bumper sticker absolutely free.
Boyfriend Ken is in treatment. Available at Army Navy Surplus.

Browning Barbie: Pregnant at purchase, this Barbie comes with a stroller and bus pass. Also included is a G.E.D. and a completely filled out food stamps form. Construction worker Ken and his ’82 Caddy are optional. Available at Value Village.

Missoula Barbie: This Barbie is made out of recycled plastic and tofu. She has long straight brown hair, archless feet, hairy armpits, no make-up, and Birkenstocks with white socks. She does not want, or need, a Ken doll. If you purchase the optional Subaru wagon, you will receive a free rainbow flag sticker. Available at REI.

Helena Barbie: This versatile doll can be easily converted from Barbie to Ken by simply adding or removing snap on parts. Walks to work. Likes to “experiment,” but will never commit. This model is being phased out and is only available from the manufacturer.



Leave a Comment
  1. Jordyn / Jul 27 2012 6:52 pm

    I live in Montana ans this is FUNNY!

  2. Bad Pants / Jan 7 2011 8:06 pm

    This is inspired. I laughed so hard people thought I had gone crazy.

  3. bluesuit12 / Jan 5 2011 9:38 pm

    HAHA! I can only imagine what they would come up with for the Arkansas Barbie. *gringe*

    Imagine no longer!

  4. David / Jan 5 2011 7:38 pm

    My daughter had some large, expensive “American Girl” dolls. And a pony.

    But these Montana Barbies are hilarious! I want the one with the hairy pits, but I want her to get the lower back tattoo. And I want her life size and all bendy like.

  5. Allison / Jan 5 2011 3:44 pm

    And suddenly I’m grateful my girl doesn’t like Barbies.

That's what she said!

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