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December 29, 2010 / Maleesha Kovnesky

2010: An Odyssey

Gosh golly, “Odyssey” is a funny looking word.

***

I’ve been staring at the screen for hours (only because I went to sleep last night and immediately started dreaming of a computer screen) and still haven’t come up with a good way to summarize 2010.  At first I was going to go month-by-month through my archives and just pick out some highlights from each month, but that’s when I noticed just how grim it was.   A couple posts in January.  Frivolous, pass-the-time-not-talking about anything posts in February.  I skipped April altogether.  Therefore I am going to wing it.  Here goes:

Janus is the mythological Roman god of gates, doors, doorways, beginnings, endings and time.

2010

Worst!  Miserable.  Can’t even cry about it, it sucks so bad:

– Divorce battles rage on.  We HATE each other.  He calls the cops during a fight.  This is the third time in our history that he has called the cops and it backfired on him.  I feel like perhaps I am better suited for trailer park living, and have a sudden urge to go barefoot.   The police show up and throw him out of the house for the night.  My dad and brother come out and stand guard.  He comes back the next day.  Brother and dad are still there.  He threatens them with calling the police too.  They stand up.  My brother says “Go right ahead.”   My dad chimes in:  “Call the police then, but know we are going to make it worth their trip.”  God, I love my family.***

– Divorce is final.  He isn’t a bad dad, and I don’t want my kids to miss out on having a dad.  But this means that there will be days I don’t get to see them, days I don’t get to tuck them in and read them a story.  There will be days I don’t know what to do with myself.

– MRI determined my 2006 back fusion did not, er, fuse.  This explains why it hurts.  Pain management doctor says he can’t help me anymore, now I need to go to a surgeon.  Cracks in my spine have formed around the hardware in there…I’ve been walking around with a broken back to boot.

Deep levels of suckitude:

– Surgeon, while obviously talented and sought after, has pissy bedside manner.  Feels my nerve damage is so great that I may be irreparable.  He sends me to head doctor to see if I am mentally capable of handling a fourth surgery. He feels that I will forever be in pain at this point, and I need to prepare for that.  I respect that, as he is the first doctor who really told it like it is.  I am sent to see a “neuropsychologist” at the VA to determine my sanity levels, if any remain.

– Divorce is final.  Ex is self-employed and has been for over a decade.  Ex is really good at writing off everything in sight as a business expense.  Ex doesn’t get a W2 – and therefore can swing his paperwork to make it appear like he makes approximately seventeen dollars a week.  This screws me big time in the finance department.  I am stuck with every bill, the kids’ school and daycare.  I don’t have to give HIM anything in the end (over my cold dead body) but he doesn’t have to contribute either.  This makes it especially fun when I see new toys at his house every time I drop/pick up the kids…toys being computers, phones, printers, exercise equipment.  Toys for himself.  He has the gall to say “You should really check out getting a Droid!  They are awesome!”  Yeah.  I’ll do that.  I’ll get a Droid once the children stop eating and growing.  Ass.

I am actually okay with the situation, because I am capable of taking care of myself and my kids.  I have a sense of accomplishment.  Plus once they are older, they are going to figure all this out all by themselves.  Be patient, girl.  Be patient.

– Dad has stroke (minor).  It sucks to see your parents getting older.  He is still a raging ball of fire though.

– The news is making me crazy.  Everyone in this country seems to hate everyone else.  I hear The Catalyst and wonder if this is what Linkin Park was thinking about when they wrote it.

– My BFF went through a really hard time with her dude.  Why can’t he see what he is doing?  Why can’t we ALL see what we do to each other?  WHY WHY WHY WHY?  This keeps me up at night.  I love my BFF with the fire of a thousand suns.  She will get through this.  I hear one of Lady Gaga’s more serious tunes, Dance in the Dark and it makes me think of her.

What the hell can you do?:

LOST and 24 went off the air for good.  Now what do I do?  All this time to think!

-Ke$ha’s Your Love Is My Drug won’t stop playing on the radio and it makes me want to drive into the ditch.  Wondering if I could be more successful if I changed my name to Malee$ha.

– Ripped the meniscus in my knee… really?  REALLY?  Doctor says I need surgery on it, but I’m going to let nature run its course.  I already limp sometimes from my back, what the hell is my knee going to add?  I laugh in the face of injury!  But then….

– Concussion and temporary memory loss due to automatic door head smashing at a Michael’s craft store…who knew crafty people were in such imminent danger?

Good – Things to pass the time

– I hear Carrie Underwood perform Undo It while watching the American Music Awards.  I am in love with this song at this moment.

– CSA season 2 much more smooth than season 1.

– Aforementioned neuropsychologist and I really hit it off.  We have long talks about life.  I go into a small, unlit room and take a four hour, 1000 question test.  All of the questions can be answered YES or NO.  Some of the questions are like this:

  • I don’t have good ideas, ever.
  • My ideas are better than everyone else’s.
  • Sometimes I hear voices telling me what to do.
  • My forehead hurts often.
  • I love my parents in spite of it all.
  • My pain is greater than everyone else’s pain.
  • I feel good because I know things that other people don’t.

This kind of questioning went on and on in different forms and levels of ridiculousness.  As I checked box after box after box, I realized test itself actually makes me feel really NOT crazy.  I ask the shrink if people really answer some of these questions differently.  He says yes, this test was developed from thousands and thousands and thousands of subjects and years and years of review.  They can measure all sorts of traits and things based on this one test.  I get my results:

  • I have major anxiety (yeah tell me about it)
  • I am not depressed at all (WTF?)
  • I am perfectly sane (i.e., normal)

Doctor clears me for a fourth surgery.  But now I kind of don’t want it.  At least not yet.  When the hell am I going to fit in a twelve-month recovery?  I smile at my certified sanity and drive home with confidence anew.   Jet’s That Girl’s A Genius plays on the radio as I speed down I-15.

– Some dear friends come all the way from Colorado to hang out with me.  We go to Yellowstone and see FOUR bears.  It was so, so good to see them all (the friends more than than bears).  Because we went to Yellowstone, I missed the giant record breaking hailstorm in Bozeman and my car didn’t get all of it’s windows busted out and it’s body smashed in like everyone else in town.  Who says I don’t have lucky days?

– I get to go to Colorado for those same friends’ “convalidation” and I am thrilled to be present for that.  Then I get to visit some other friends while I am there and we go out for a Night of Mayhem to take pictures of neon signs, only to discover the city of Colorado Springs has shut all the neon signs off to go green.  Poo.  Major car troubles do not stop me from having a great time.

– I get to go to Seattle four times in a row for work.  I miss the kids but I get room service.  Some times you gotta make sacrifices.

Best!  Highlight, happiness, would tap dance if I had the right shoes:

– Short story published – The Bears will Eat You in an anthology called Wild with Child.  I receive paycheck (tiny, tiny paycheck) for something I wrote.  Am happy.

– AMAZING growing season in Montana.  Four pound, perfect, organic tomatoes.  Thousands of pounds of tomatoes.  Twenty eggplants.  So many peas, beans. Huge garlic and onions.  Potatoes and carrots to feed an army.  Seasons are a constant reminder that this world is turning with or without us.

– My children love me.  Would run through fire for them.  Would lift trees for them.  It’s a fantastic, heavy responsibility and I am doing a good job.

– I still feel that I have an amazing life and my fire has not gone out.

May all your trees be happy trees.

See you in 2011!  Thanks for coming along for the ride.

And thanks to so many of you who have written words of encouragement and support over the past year.  It helped me more than I could ever tell you.  When I change my name to Malee$ha and find major success, I am going to fly you all out to my garden and we are going to have a big party.

*** Yeah.  Threaten a Kovnesky with jail.  That’s gonna backfire, you moron.  We’re only afraid of God and clowns.

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16 Comments

Leave a Comment
  1. montanameg30 / Jan 4 2011 12:19 pm

    THIS WAS GREAT!!!! thanks so much for sharing……i love your blog. i can feel your pain on mannnnyyyyy levels. i too, have divorced an idiot.

    It happens to the best of us!

  2. bluesuit12 / Jan 1 2011 9:36 am

    When I read about your past year all I can say is wow. And holy crap. You have an amazing attitude! Thanks for sharing and I’ll be looking for that book. I look forward to reading where life takes you this next year.

    Why thanks for stopping in! thanks for your comment. Let me know what you think of the story if you happen to find the book. 🙂

  3. Pammy Girl / Dec 31 2010 11:08 pm

    Oh my dear… I’m noy even going try to one up you for the year of suckitude because you win. Of course who wants to win that? Let me say this: I’m impressed with your sense of humor & finding the postive when yo can.

    Thank you for your honesty & sharing what’s in your heart. 2011 will bring opportunities & I wish you all the best.

    Thanks Pam. Right back at you. I look forward to reading about your 2011 races and challenges.

  4. neon signs / Dec 30 2010 9:13 am

    Seems like you had a tough time but I am inspired by your attitude and the way you image the world. Get better!

  5. Fawn / Dec 30 2010 1:14 am

    No words of wisdom, but I’m so glad you are still around on here. I’m wishing you wonderful things for 2011! (Also: one day you have to come here to visit… and to show me how to use my greenhouse!)

    I would pretty much LOVE to come to the Yukon. Thanks.

  6. Oregon Sunshine / Dec 29 2010 10:12 pm

    May 2011 bring only good things to you and yours!

    My own custody battle ended in early 2010 and this year has not rocked for me. But I think your year takes the cake. I think my husband summed it up the best.

    Hope there is an ultimate answer for your back that will restore you to good health and vigor. I know what it’s like to live with chronic pain, so get it fixed! Or seek another opinion away from the VA and military docs. But, get better!

    Thanks, you. I don’t know anyone who 2010 ‘rocked’ for, but I guess it sucks I seem to have won the contest. Thanks for your words. I look forward to 2011 and your blog adventures!

  7. Bad Pants / Dec 29 2010 9:11 pm

    Aww DAMN woman…that is one suckass collection of suck. You win. You had the worst 2010. Your prize is an official “Bad Pants” certificate redeemable for one better year in 2011 (or 12, or 13, or whenever you redeem it).

    I WON SOMETHING! I WON SOMETHING!!

  8. territerri / Dec 29 2010 8:45 pm

    I am going to stop complaining about my “problems” now. Sometimes we don’t realize how lucky we are until we see the battles others are fighting. Your attitude is amazing, in spite of all the problems you faced this year. Inspiring!

    Oh there were many days when it sounded like a good idea to go wander into traffic. It’s a rollercoaster ride and we’re not the ones controlling the speed! Problems are problems no matter how big or small.

  9. Allison / Dec 29 2010 7:01 pm

    I am sorry about the suckitude that was your decoupling process. I understand the sparseness of posting. But I’m glad that you’re back from the other side. Only I wish that your back was back from the other side too.

    Oh, please don’t change your name to Malee$ha. Ever since her first song where she talked about “po-po” shutting her down I’ve told Abby she can’t listen to Ke$ha because she’s a dirty girl. But I do let her listen to Carrie Underwood. And I do like her “Undo” song too.

    I like our blog circle.

    I won’t. Ke$ha annoys me a whole lotta buncha. Some of the tunes are catchy if you happen to be drinking heavily, but yeah kids should NOT be pre$ent during those kind of $ongs.

    I like our blog circle too!!!

  10. Ignorethebucklesonmyjacket / Dec 29 2010 4:57 pm

    Your attitude seems amazing after all of this. I am sure some days are better than others, but those children are very perceptive to what is going on…I have been on the kid end of a couple of those ugly separations.

    I still get happy with “like-new” stuff.

    Looks like I get to go buy a book. Congratulations!!!!

    I’ve had a long time to think about it all. I dealt with it mostly by becoming an introvert for most of the year. 🙂 Thanks.

  11. cherikooka / Dec 29 2010 4:14 pm

    That totally made me laugh! Not the parts where your life sucks, but come on – the whole concussion thing was pretty funny – well not funny that it hurt, funny the way it happened. You know what I mean.

    We have both had a sucky year, and I will be blogging my epic year soon. I am calling 2011 “The Year of Repair”. I hope I can live up to my own expectations.

    I am planning on coming to visit in 2011, so make sure there is no laundry on the couch!

    Love you tons!
    -S

    Love you too! Well you know the whole concussion think WAS hilarious. At least that is what I am told. I am SO HAPPY you are coming to visit me. Hijinks await. I will be eagerly waiting to read your story.

  12. David / Dec 29 2010 12:39 pm

    Malee$ha! What a great post.

    Seems the Facebook interruption had no ill effect on your ability to gather your thoughts on this sorry-ass/awesome year of yours. 🙂

    It’s so nice of you to end on the positive notes, for our sake. And you’re sane, how great is that? You published a story? That’s awesome! And you grew four-pound tomatoes? Incredible. I don’t know what else to say except thank you for writing this Odyssey out for us.

    Thanks D. I started it this morning when I woke up at 3:30 and couldn’t get back to sleep. I had a great time with the FB interruption!

  13. Dave / Dec 29 2010 9:22 am

    Glad to see that I made it onto your list twice. And on the positive side at that! 🙂

    Let 2011 be the “year of Maleesha” as you continue to grow and improve. I’m always pulling for you. I know that you have what it takes to achieve your dreams and I love reading your stuff. Keep posting!

    Thank you, dear friend!!! P.S. That is, “Year of Malee$ha”

  14. Mike Goad / Dec 29 2010 8:26 am

    Sorry to hear about your trials and tribulations or 2010, but glad to hear there were some positives to balance things out.

    My dad never paid much, if anything, in child support and I held it — and other things — against him for a long, long time. He and his new family moved to California in about 1964. Between then and 1995, I saw him exactly one time, when I stopped to see my grandparents in Nebraska and learned he was living there. We reconciled things in 1995 and I know now that over those years he had come to regret how things had turned out. I’m sure, though, he didn’t anticipate or think about some of his decisions back in the 60s. Unfortunately, I’ve never really gotten to know my four youngest siblings.

    When it comes to divorce and kids, I’m on the side of the kids — especially since that’s the only side I have experience with. I’m sorry that you and they are having to make do as a result of your ex’s selfishness.

    Thanks Mike. I am on the side of the kids as well. I wish we as adults could have handled things better but it wasn’t meant to be. I do know in my heart I tried and stuck with it a long time trying to make things better. I am at fault as well for the split, but now my job is to make sure the kids still grow up to be good, strong, tax-paying citizens. Thanks for your comments, and also for your lovely stories and pictures on youg blog over the year.

  15. crisi-tunity / Dec 29 2010 7:36 am

    Oh. Oh, dearie me. I am so sorry that you had such appalling lows, but the highs sound rallying and good. I was thinking of you a lot this year, even if I didn’t always show it.

    I truly, sincerely hope 2011 is better for you.

    Thank you. It will be. I think of you a lot too. Happy trails!

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