Skip to content
November 1, 2010 / Maleesha Kovnesky

Hoteleportation

A.  A towel that is hung up means, “I’ll use it again.”  A towel on the floor means, “Please exchange.”

B.  If you would like your sheets changed more than every three days, please place this card on your pillow in the morning and we will gladly accomodate you.

C.  If you would like to use the pool, towels are available at the pool.  Do not use your room towels.  Do NOT use your room towels.  If you do use your room towels, refer to section A . 

D.  If you would like to avoid nicking the paint on your rental car, you are going to have to park somewhere else.  Our parking lot was built for motorcycle parking, cars popular in the UK, and two by fours with wheels. 

   a.) If you do choose to park somewhere else, you will get a parking ticket.  It will be $42.

   b.) You will still get the paint nicked. 

E.  This GPS device is provided to you for your convenience.  Please do not follow any illegal advice that it gives you.

  a.) It will repeat the illegal advice loudly, several times in a row.

  b.) You can’t shut it off while you are driving, because playing with buttons in the car is dangerous.

F.  I said stop using your room towel.  WE HAVE CAMERAS and we know what you are doing.

G.  Room service is available!  Just call 7509 and place your order.

  a.) Your order will arrive promptly at your door sometime in the next twenty to seventy five minutes

        i.)  We will automatically include an 27% gratuity

               1. but we will still include another line for a tip, incase you felt compelled to leave more

H.  You can use that Do Not Disturb sign for your door!

   a.) But don’t forget to take it down, or we will forget to clean the room. 

           i) which is ok, because you KNOW the right thing to do is re-use your sheets and towels anyway.

I.  The pool is available between 10 AM and 10 PM, unless it’s out of order.

    a.)  It will have a scheduled cleaning during the entirety of your trip so you will be forced to use the stationary bike

    b.)  the stationary bike will have a sharp defect on the handle, causing you to cut your thumb really bad

           i) don’t worry it’s only your left thumb

J.  Continental breakfast is free!

    a.)  It consists of a napkin and a tub of margarine.

   b.)  You can upgrade to a full breakfast of eggs, bacon, sausage, syrupy pancakes, glazed pastries, sugar-based juices, and chocolate doughnuts for only $4.99

   c.  If you would prefer yogurt and a banana, it will be $17.99

K.  In the event that you forget something, we have complimentary items at the front desk

   a) except for band aids (see section I. b. ) those are $8.99 per strip

   b) our toothbrushes are soft like cotton candy

Advertisements

4 Comments

Leave a Comment
  1. David / Nov 5 2010 7:11 pm

    Nice post Maleesha. Thanks for reminding why I don’t travel.

  2. Taoist Biker / Nov 2 2010 10:40 am

    The DO NOT DISTURB sign goes on when I walk in the door and doesn’t come down until I leave to check out. That’s how I roll.

    Sometimes the room STILL gets cleaned. I suppose “Do Not Disturb” was for all the door-to-door salesmen, not housekeeping!

  3. talea / Nov 2 2010 9:59 am

    Napkins and a tub of margarine?

    But……where’s the peanut butter on a playing card?

  4. Oregon Sunshine / Nov 2 2010 9:14 am

    I’m pretty sure we stayed at a few hotels like that on our move east.

That's what she said!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: