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July 16, 2010 / Maleesha Kovnesky

Dyson finally ends Buffeting for all mankind

Liza and Nellie sat on the sprawling white porch.  The ice cubes in their mint juleps were all but dissolved.  The heat was, as the weatherman said, “beyond sultry.” 

Liza fanned herself with a magazine.  “It’s hotter than tarnation,” she said.  “Let’s bring out a fan.  Maybe that will help.”

Nellie shook her head.  “No way,” she said.  “I can’t stand all the buffeting.”

“Buffeting?”  Liza tipped her head.  “You mean the choppy, unstable air produced by ordinary oscillating fans?”

“Exactly,” Nellie said.  “The buffeting is simply unbearable.  If only there was a gentleman who could solve this age-old problem for us.”

Just then, a white haired Englishman rolled up in the driveway.  His car was a bright yellow model with easily detachable side mirrors and an intuitive removable trunk. 

“Afternoon, ladies,” the man said.  “I’m James Dyson.”  James carried a strange object in his hand.  It looked like a giant magnifying glass without the glass.

“Hi James,” Nellie said.  “What brings you to this neck of Georgia?”

“I happened to overhear you birds talking about the heat,” James explained.  “I wanted you to try my Dyson Air Multiplier.”

Liza scratched her head.  “Air….multiplier?”

James offered a crooked grin.  “That’s right.  Regular oscillating fans are dangerous.  They’re hard to clean.  And the worse part is…”

“The buffeting!”  Nellie interrupted

“That’s correct,” James chuckled.  “My Dyson Air Multiplier produces an uninterrupted stream of smooth air, with no unpleasant buffeting.”

 

“My hero,” Nellie whispered, clutching her bosom. 

“Seriously?”  Liza raised an eyebrow.  “That thing?  How does it work?”

James was plugging the contraption into an outlet.  He turned it on.  Air streamed from the hole in the device. 

Nellie’s eyes grew wide.  “Oh…my goodness.  It’s multiplying the very air.” 

Liza stood in front of the device.  Air flowed from the front, similar to a fan.   “Huh,” she said.  “That’s kind of cool.  No blades.”

“Blades are hard to clean,” James agreed. 

“Sure,” Liza said.  “Maybe I’ll get one.  How much does one of these cost?  I kind of like the silver color.”

“This little model here runs about two hundred eighty dollars,” James said.

Liza coughed.  Mint julep dripped from her nose.  “WHAT?”

“Did you want the price in pounds?  Euros, maybe?” 

“For fuck’s sake, James,” Liza said.  “It’s…it’s cool and all, but three hundred dollars for a fan?  For a fan?”

James shook his finger.  “It’s an air multiplier.”

“A price multiplier,” Liza shrieked. “There’s…there’s no way in hell anyone is going to be able to afford this…”  Liza trailed off as she watched Nellie run into the house. 

 “I’ll get my checkbook,”  Nellie shouted. 

 “Ok,” Liza said.  “Maybe you will get a couple of people to buy this.  But honestly, you should stick to vacuums.  This is ridiculous.”

Nellie burst out the front door waving a signed check.  “Here, James,” she cooed.  “I’ll take two!”

James stuffed the check into his pocket.  He winked.  “I just think things should work properly,” he said.

***NOTE – This is the scene that flashed into my head as I passed the new Dyson Air Multiplier on the shelf at Target.  No, this story didn’t really happen.  No offense to Mr. Dyson.  I love the line of vacuums.  Really, I do.

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8 Comments

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  1. Taoist Biker / Jul 22 2010 6:52 am

    YES. My wife and I had the same sort of conversation on the couch after about the fifth commercial.

    I saw the thing at a Best Buy. It’s a cool invention – for $40. Anything more is just nutty.

    But that damned vacuum of his was worth every ridiculous penny we spent on it…

  2. Mike / Jul 17 2010 6:59 am

    Very funny commentary.

    We have a Dyson vacuum cleaner. It’s held up very well and gets more dirt out of our carpets than any other that we’ve had over the years. The office building where I worked bought one several years ago and it’s lasted longer than any of the commercial vacuum cleaners they used.

  3. fawn / Jul 16 2010 10:25 pm

    Hahaha! This is hilarious!

  4. David / Jul 16 2010 5:53 pm

    This was a lovely and witty little post, by the by. I would like to know more about the gentleman’s car’s “intuitive removable trunk”. I’ve always wanted one of those, but not in yellow. 🙂

  5. David / Jul 16 2010 5:19 pm

    I don’t know … I tried one of those vacuum cleaners. It was not all that impressive. This $300 fan … does it blow or does it suck? It impells. What EVER. I think I’ll take the buffeting. It’s cheaper.

    I’m a little worried about this Sir Dyson. I think he’s a freak. Maybe even the Devil.

  6. morethananelectrician / Jul 16 2010 5:02 pm

    I stuck my hand inside…afraid that it would lop of a finger. If I won a lottery, I would have one of these in every room…but I’ll just sweat or risk getting my fingers chopped off.

  7. crisi-tunity / Jul 16 2010 4:23 pm

    I kind of love the air multiplier. It’s just so CRAZY. Every time I pass it at Bed Bath & Beyond, I’m all, where’s the air coming from? It turns me into a gawking, ignorant redneck in an instant.

    But I wouldn’t spend $180 on one.

    Even if that ball idea in the vacuum cleaner is FREAKIN’ BRILLIANT. He should get a Nobel for that.

  8. DeAnna / Jul 16 2010 3:45 pm

    Just so.

That's what she said!

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