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May 31, 2010 / Maleesha Kovnesky

Life Without a Microwave

I moved into this house without a microwave.  The last house I was in had a built-in microwave (that sucked, by the way) so I didn’t get to take it with me.  And due to lack of fundage, I was forced to live without a microwave for a month.  Poor, poor me…I know.  Lame.  No big deal, right? 

I didn’t really think too much of it at first.  Who cares…it’s just a stupid microwave.  A person doesn’t need a microwave.  In fact some of the most important people in history did not have a microwave.  Jesus, for example, did not have a microwave.  Neither did Abraham Lincoln, or Gandhi, or Grizzly Adams.  They all got along just fine without microwaves. 

The first day in my new house, I wanted to make the kids some ravioli, Chef Boyardee style.  I instinctively reached for a microwave bowl…then remembered.  No biggie.  I had a stove and a saucepan.  I always thought Chef Boyardee products tasted better heated in a pan, anyway.  Perhaps the microwaves interact negatively with all the processed components contained in Chef Boyardee.  It took a few minutes longer, and I had to wash more dishes, but I didn’t need a microwave.

Later on the kids went to bed and I needed a snack.  Popcorn would do the trick.  I grabbed a bag of popcorn, removed the plastic wrapper, then headed for the space where the microwave would have been, if I had one. DOH!!!

Ok, well that was an unexpected feeling.  Sure, a person could make popcorn the olde-fashioned way, if you had a jar of popcorn.  I didn’t.  I just had the chemical-coated nukeable kind.  I placed the trifolded bag back into the counter for some future day, when I had a microwave.  No snack for me. 

I repeated this “walk to the microwave that doesn’t exist” routine at least once a day all month long.  And each time I remembered the microwave was not there, I felt two things:

a.)  Disappointment

b.) Anger

I was disappointed because really, I grow insane amounts of vegetables in a garden, I can shoot things to eat them, I can behead a chicken for dinner, I even survived the Marine Corps…but here I was without a microwave feeling a little bit helpless.  I was angry because I was feeling helpless for not having a microwave.  Am I so far gone that living without a microwave was an actual hardship?  Pathetic.  Alas, I encountered daily moments where I thought “Dammit, if only I had an effin’ microwave.”

I thought about it, and I really used a microwave a LOT.  I have three main uses for a microwave:

a.) Defrosting meat

b.) Warming up leftovers

c.) Popcorn

My mom bought me a microwave this weekend.  It is now happy in my kitchen corner, and I already used it to make myself a delectable bowl of chemical-laden nukeable popcorn.  It required the push of a button, and I felt as though I was bathing in a gilded pool flowing with Evian.  I appreciate my microwave and it won’t be long before I once again take it for granted.  But for now, I am comforted by its willingness to heat up frozen stuffed peppers from 2009, to make a cup of coffee just a bit hotter, and to cut down my dinner preparation time by 300% when I am feeling lazy.  Thank you microwave, for being there.  I plan on making full use of you as much as I can until one of the following happens:

a.) Power outage

b.) Apocalypse

If one of the above events happen, at least I will have had lots of practice living without you, microwave.  But until then, here’s to a long and radioactive relationship.

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9 Comments

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  1. bluesuit12 / Jun 7 2010 4:33 pm

    The longest period of time I went without a micro was 18 months living in Guatemala. No wonder I only ate beans and bread.

  2. Rambleicious / Jun 7 2010 9:18 am

    I use mine a lot for melting butter for my air popped popcorn (I used to be a slave to the chemical stuff until my husband spoiled me with organic popcorn kernels and a hot air popper) and I use it for leftovers all the time.

    I love my irradiated food. 😉

  3. The Girl from the Ghetto / Jun 3 2010 12:50 pm

    I can barely remember what making popcorn on the stove was like as a kid, in the time before microwaves. (Not Jiffy Pop, but real popcorn) All that comes to mind is that kernals would go off like bombs all over the place, and you’d have to wear long oven gloves so you wouldn’t singe all your arm hair off.

    Yeah, I think I like microwaves.

  4. shmode / Jun 1 2010 9:27 am

    Ahh, you got a microwave, but did you get a Henley? 😉
    I’m weird in that I can definitely live w/o my microwave. It’s not my favourite appliance for sure. The only reason we really have one is for popcorn.

    Yes – Henley updates to come soon!

  5. talea / Jun 1 2010 9:18 am

    If I didn’t have a microwave, I would slowly starve to death until someone found my emaciated body on the floor, with a scratched open microwave popcorn bag spilled in front of me.
    I live by my microwave. Stove? Pshaw. Oven? Ha. Gimme my damn microwave.

    Hahaha! That’s pretty much how I felt toward the end.

  6. Mike Goad / Jun 1 2010 6:53 am

    The only time when we don’t have a microwave to use in our “residence” of the moment is when we are “camping” in our little motorhome in a location without electrical hookups. Even then, though, we can turn on the generator during the generator-usage allowed hours.

    More often than not, if I’m “fixin” my own meals, I’ll use the microwave.

    I guess if they invented it, we all might as well make use of it!

  7. Taoist Biker / Jun 1 2010 6:20 am

    I admit, when you started mentioning things you wanted to do with the microwave, I started cringing – if we were without one, I would be in BAD shape.

    No one likes to admit their dependence on modern marvels. I thought I’d be able to go longer than a month.

  8. morethananelectrician / Jun 1 2010 3:49 am

    Not being the designated “preparer of meals” affords me the opportunity of using the microwave for nothing other than warming drinks that I forgot about. But, when ours was at the microwave garage being repaired, my wife did give me an address of the Freecycle house to pick up one for her for the two weeks. She survived for three days.

    “Survived”…ha!

  9. Fawn / Jun 1 2010 12:00 am

    Amen, sistah!

That's what she said!

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