Skip to content
August 7, 2009 / Maleesha Kovnesky

Light My Fire (And Run)

People come with fuses, just the way bombs and firecrackers do.  Some people are born with a short fuse…these are the road ragers and the bar fighters.  Others get a nice, long fuse…life comes at them like it does everyone else and their fuse sits burning, burning, nice and slow.  But LORD HELP THE PERSON standing next to them when the spark finally hits the TNT, becaues you don’t want to be near that kind of carnage.  These are the people who climb to the top of the Eiffel Tower with a rifle and shoot at tourists.

I have a really long fuse.  I get snippy here and there, on a daily basis lately, but I wouldn’t call it a full-on explosion.  But this evening, my fuse was blown.  I went out into the backyard and hurled dishes.  Have you ever hurled dishes in anger?  Maybe you should.  Tonight, I threw a lot of dishes.  Bad-ass, I know.  It’s a good thing I am a mommy living in the outskirts of a town in Montana, because had I still lived in DC  I would have been standing on the edge of the Wilson Bridge during rush hour, and you know what that does to the Beltway.

I discovered that throwing things is soothing some years ago, during a particularly rough patch of otherwise marital bliss.  It was a big nasty fight, probably about something stupid like “where’s the remote” (although we all know it’s never about just the remote), and I didn’t know what to do so I grabbed all the candles off the mantle and ran to the front door in my pajamas and hurled the candles out into the snow, one by one.  It was just me and the candles, and they were getting their asses kicked.  I flung them into the night.  There was a foot of snow on the ground, so I couldn’t hear the candles land.  I threw them, and I imagined that they never landed…they just kept flying through the air, propelled into orbit with the sheer power of my rage.  Soon, I ran out of candles.  Then I stood there on the porch, watching the snow fly against the dark sky.  I felt better.  Soon I realized it was ten degrees and  I had bare feet. 

Ha!  Just as I was writing this, I remembered another time I went completely “Donna Destructo.”  This meltdown took place when I was in the Marines.  I had a bunch of male roommates, most of them very responsible.  One of them had a habit of setting his alarm clock for 5:00 AM.  He would do this on a Friday night, then he would go out on the town and not return.  So each Saturday morning, his alarm clock would start screaming when all I wanted to do was sleep.  I had three jobs at the time, and this alarm-clock-insanity happened several Saturdays in a row.  One Saturday at 5 AM I heard the alarm, and snapped (I just wanted to sleep in One Goddamn Time!).  I stormed into his room, yanked the clock from the wall (probably with the outlet still attached), marched outside (again, in my pajamas), threw the clock into the cul-de-sac, ran after it, and started jumping up and down on it.  I don’t remember because of the rage-amnesia, but I am almost certain I would have shouted expletives at the clock.  Ah, memories.

Anyway, I decided that writing stuff here is truly the only way to get things off my mind, so that is what I am doing.  Here are the four “triggers” that just sent me reeling today.  I feel better already.

Trigger A

I was browsing our fine town’s online news forum.  This weekend’s big event is a longstanding festival of the arts,  probably the biggest event of the summer here.  With the festival, lots of art is displayed all over town.  So there I was, browing the forum, when I came across a post from someone that read something like this:

“I am shocked and dismayed.  There is a painting of a nude woman at the entrance to the Library.  It is disgusting.  It is demeaning to women.  If I had children or grandchildren, I would keep them away.  Children exposed to sexual images at a young age grow up to be pedophiles and child molesters.  I am appalled that our Library would allow such dangerous images to be displayed.”

Are you fucking kidding me?  A nude image?  In art?  For reals?  Holy criminal mischief, Batman!  Shall we plaster an “R” rating on the Smithsonian?  Is the Louvre the reason France is the way it is?  Is a Thomas Kinkade painting going to cause me to plant fifty lilac bushes in my yard and turn all the lights on at the same time?   Should we hide old copies of National Geographic? 

One of my favorite sarcasms is, “You are entitled to your opinions, no matter how f****d  up they are.”  

I did not see the painting in question, but if it is hanging at the Library entrance, I can guess with a high degree of certaintly that it’s not porn.  But “dangerous?”  Is this person serious?  Lordy, I hope that this person does not have a son, because that kid is getting sent straight to military school the first time he sneaks a peek at a Playboy.

I guess what fires me up most about this is that I am incredibly jealous – jealous of people that have it so good that a painting of a nude woman is the absolute worst calamity imaginable.

Trigger B

I am really, really sick of the following comment, which I am seeing a LOT lately, regarding health care reform. 

“We have the best health care system in the world and we shouldn’t change it.  I’m sick of lazy peole who want free healthcare just so they don’t have to work.  If you want healthcare, get a job and pay for it.  If your job doesn’t have healthcare well maybe you should have gotten a better job.”

MY THOUGHTS – Well, shit.  I can’t help but notice that every single person making a version of this comment has a good job with healthcare benefits.  I’m super happy for them, and for me too, because I have a great job with good healthcare too. 

But I have a hefty chunk of my paycheck removed each month to pay for it, and I notice that chunk gets larger each year.  I fear the day I won’t be able to afford it anymore and still let my kids wear shoes that fit. Let’s not forget that even if you DO have insurance, a major healthcare crisis may not be covered…because your insurance company can make that decision for you…and there isn’t a damn thing you can do about it but write letters that will get shuffled from department to department until you are dead from whatever malady you were unfortunate enough to get. 

There are a metric ass-ton of hard working people that don’t get healthcare because it’s so expensive that a lot of companies cannot offer healthcare AND make a profit at the same time.  Suggesting that someone “get a better job” to fix the problem is the inanest of the inane. 

Maybe you don’t like the ideas being tossed around regarding healthcare because you fear socialism, or you think that your taxes will go way up.  There are a million reasons to dislike the possible changes that may be coming.  However, I pose that there are a million reasons to dislike what we have now. 

We are already suffering financially because of the “best healthcare in the world” (HA).  Instead of paying for all those emergency room visits via taxation, the charges are disguised as higher insurance premiums, fifty-dollar aspirins, denied claims, co-pays, and insurance companies forcing doctors to resubmit the paperwork multiple times, which causes the doctors to rebill the patient multiple times, until someone besides the insurance company gets tired of dealing with it so they give up and send in some money.  I guess I would rather have my preventative care wrapped up in my taxes instead of continuing to contribute to the teak flooring of Aetna’s CEO.  If that makes me a socialist, then I guess that is what you can call me. 

But can’t we all agree that it shouldn’t matter what your occupation is?  If you are a contributing member of society, not a criminal, and you like a good sitcom now and then…you shouldn’t have to hear “sorry about your tumor, but we can’t help you here.” 

Or worse:  “Sorry about your child’s tumor, but we can’t help you here…”

“…but go sell your house, your car, and work a second job and we’ll talk.” 

Trigger C

I have severe, severe PMS this week.  The hormones are out of control tonight (see, “Throwing Plates,” above).  I was watching “Are You Smarter Than A Fifth Grader” and the question to the MBA graduate was this:  “How many inner planets are in our solar system?”  The MBA graduate answered “Two.”  He pushed the big red Final Answer button. 

The camera flashed to the MBA grad’s mother, a retired schoolteacher.  She was cringing in horror.  Horror! 

Jeff Foxworthy looked concerned.  His mustache twitched a bit, and said,  “The answer is four.  Oliver can save you, only if he has four written on his chalkboard.”  The camera focused on fifth-grade Oliver, who looked calm and collected.  The audience held their breath.  Finally the chalkboard was revealed:  Oliver had scrawled a large, off-center digit:


The MBA grad threw his hands up with joy.  The audience cheered at Oliver’s brilliance. 

And I got teary.  Someone pass the Midol. 

Trigger D

I can’t order a pay per view.  Macy is sleeping.  Wasband and AJ are out of town.  I have in front of me a lovely cup of coffee and a blueberry scone, warm from the oven.  I have looked forward to this moment all day long.  I scanned through the movie listings.  Rachel Getting Married – Three and a half stars.  Anne Hathaway, Rosemarie DeWitt, Bill Irwin (2008) Long-simmering tensions bubble to the surface when a young woman who has been in and out of rehab returns home for her sister’s wedding.

I would never watch this during a regular week, but it’s perfect for PMS.  I clicked Order.  A blue box popped onto the screen.

ERROR – Your movie cannot be ordered.  DX-0000021.

I clicked again.

ERROR – Your movie cannot be ordered.  DX-0000021.

Pardon me.  I have more dishes to break.



Leave a Comment
  1. Mike / Jan 7 2011 9:21 pm

    After a brief stint in our fine county jail, I was ordered to go to anger management classes for quite some time. I learned a lot of invaluable life lessons in there. One curious thing though – there was a Jujitsu class being held across the way every night. They would crank death metal and come out all sweaty with black eyes, high-fiving each other. I loved that.

    Seems counterintuitive, but hey, whatever works! Sounds kind of awesome, actually!!

  2. David / Sep 1 2009 3:51 am

    A fine post maleesha. You let it all out. Good for you. Triggers A-D would have set me off too, even without PMS. A friend of mine used to buy mismatched dinner plates at yard sales and keep herself supplied with these specifically for throwing. Interesting, huh?

  3. Taoist Biker / Aug 10 2009 8:46 am

    The painting lady says “IF” she had children or grandchildren. So, she has none.

    I’m thinking this is not a coincidence.

  4. cherikooka / Aug 10 2009 8:15 am

    I hope they weren’t the nice plates. 🙂

    If Rick’s prescriptions only cost us maybe 10 bucks a month instead of hundreds and hundreds…that would be very, very nice!

  5. Romi / Aug 9 2009 4:29 pm

    I’m so glad that this place is a good outlet for you, as well as plates 😉

    And I totally understand your healthcare frustrations…omg….”then get a better job”…WOW…but then again I live in Canada, so maybe I’m biased…All I can say is that the taxes off my paycheck aren’t that bad, and I LIKE paying $0-$3 for all my perscription meds…dammit. And what does socialism even mean today? Labels are just that…you work hard, you DO make money, you get by, you’re not afraid to get sick….oh GOD..what a horrible society that sounds like.

    Anyhoo….I’ll be around more often, back to blogging 😉

  6. DeAnna / Aug 9 2009 11:59 am

    History of smashing dishes–check.
    Nudist, 8 YO daughter–check.
    Tired of copays PLUS copays–check.

    Avoiding PPV at all cost this week–check.

  7. morethananelectrician / Aug 9 2009 7:09 am

    I will avoid saying anything that gets something thrown at me… 🙂

    I can say that the story of me taking the “entrance” bell from the front desk of the office and hivng it go through one side of a way and out of the other is a famous one around our office. The bell is still hidden in a drawer as a reminder.

  8. Ian / Aug 8 2009 10:18 am

    *buys you another really good cup of coffee and orders a movie for you*

  9. crisitunity / Aug 8 2009 9:00 am


  10. maleesha / Aug 8 2009 7:41 am

    I think it’s unlikely that we would even be able to just “adopt a system” – there are too many other factors in place. I just don’t understand a person who insists that what we have is the best we can do.

  11. crisitunity / Aug 8 2009 4:46 am

    Poor Maleesha. If it’s worth anything, I agree with you about the painting rant and the healthcare rant. Although people who say that everything will be TOTALLY FABULOUS as soon as we adopt Canada’s or Britain’s healthcare system also piss me off. Because it’s really, really not that simple, folks. Really.

    I hope next week is better.

That's what she said!

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: