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June 28, 2009 / Maleesha Kovnesky

It’s A Bit Like Decaf, or Non-Alcoholic Beer

We are all entitled to like whichever kind of music we like–it may be polka, it may be gangster rap, it could even be chamber music.  I like a lot of music, but there is one type in particular I could never, ever enjoy.  Ever.  Don’t try to make me.

It’s Christian rock. 

That’s not to say there aren’t talented Christian bands out there with great-sounding tunes.  I might be into it if I weren’t a lyrics person, but alas, I am a lyrics person, and therein lies the problem.  I just can’t rock out to Jesus.

The church I attending as a young’un left a pretty big impression on me.  It was a fire-and-brimstone type of place, where it was made clear that no matter what I do, I am going to go to hell.  There was no rockin’, it was hymns.  With an organ player, or if the organ was broken, a piano lady.  Sometimes the piano lady would sign in a church lady voice.  A church lady voice, if you don’t know, is a very nice soprano voice with plenty of reverberation…but you can be sure you’ll never hear it on American Idol.

So I’ve been to lots of churches, including the megaplex New Life made famous by Ted Haggard, and I can assure you I could never participate in the rock concerts.  There would be people a-throwin’ up their arms but I just couldn’t do it.  In fact, I feel pretty queasy at the very sound of Christian rock…it’s like don’t you guys know Jesus hears your electric guitars?  Shut up!  But no one else seems to care; they are all into the jumping and the mashing and the headbanging to the Gospel.  I need my biblical and my musical separate, and the two shalt not meeteth.

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9 Comments

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  1. Sarah Gerber / Jul 6 2009 6:27 pm

    I don’t even know what Christian Rock is, because I’m Jewish and from Manhattan. We must have it here, but where it’s hiding, well, I just don’t know.

    I’m always amazed at what people can juxtapose and get into. I don’t think I could get down in Synagogue. It’s not a “get down” sort of place. It’s more of a Manischewitz wine kind of place. But maybe that’s just me being square.

    I think it’s hip to be square…at least that is what I have heard…it might have even been in a song! thanks for commenting!

  2. Pammy / Jul 4 2009 2:19 pm

    I had a friend who was in his church band and he called it “God Rock.” A drum or guitar solo during a service just always seemed so out of place to me. I also do a double take when someone is wearing a shirt that I think says “Coca-Cola” but what it really says is “Jesus Christ: He’s the real thing. That ALWAYS weirds me out.

    ME TOO. There is a variation on the t-shirt, there is an orange and yellow one with the Reese’s Pieces logo on it, and instead of Reeses, it says “Jesus.” I HATE that stuff. Come on. If you want to go all Jesus, wear a robe and sandals. Leave the candy alone. I don’t get how anyone can stand the commercialization of their own religion (???!?!?!)

  3. nat @ book, line, and sinker / Jul 2 2009 7:19 am

    lol! this is a hilarious topic. i’m not sure if it’s because we live in new jersey and the mega-churches just aren’t here (or if they are, i haven’t seen them), but i haven’t been a victim of christian rock music.

    the only time i was tricked into listening was when i got my new car a few years back. it had XM radio and i was flipping around and my hubs told me to ‘leave this on’ so he could see what it was. the band was jamming away but when the lyrics started, we began screaming!! it was waaay to christly for heathens like us. hahahha.

  4. David / Jul 1 2009 5:44 pm

    If I have to listen to good music with bad lyrics, I pretend the lyrics are in a foreign language I don’t understand … that sometimes helps. Religious music has its place, and the teachings of JC are immense, but once you get a big crowd together trying to go all fundamental up in my grill it makes me feel like Beelzebub himself. That’s a bad feeling, it reminds of those times in my early twenties when I almost got sucked into a cult, which is why I only enter churches when absolutely forced to do so. Weddings or funerals. May god bless all the good people who go to church because they believe.

    I’m pretty sure I’m going to hell anyway, and I hope I don’t see you there maleesha. 🙂

    Look for me by the hors d’oeurves table.

  5. Carli / Jun 30 2009 2:11 pm

    I was in the operating room one day and the surgeon’s music selection consisted of several hours of christian music. It was pure torture!!!

  6. smalltownsmalltimes / Jun 30 2009 5:37 am

    I am so with you on this.

  7. Michelle / Jun 29 2009 7:35 pm

    Ha ha ha thanks for the comment on my blog! I was just texting my friend about what a tool that guy was right when you wrote that comment. It made me laugh so hard!

  8. Taoist Biker / Jun 29 2009 6:11 am

    Rock without aggression. What’s a mosh pit if there’s no chance somebody will be spitting teeth by the fourth song?

  9. crisitunity / Jun 29 2009 5:19 am

    You should hear my mother on the subject of Christian rock. She thinks that it’s unbelievably boring, in large part because there’s no conflict, no minor keys, no chance that it will be anything but musical Valium. Then she goes on to explain how it’s metaphorical to the Christian religion, but I’ve forgotten her argument. It was awesome, though.

    I like your mom. I also agree with her on the boring. I have read the “Left Behind” series, and I think they started out really great. Then they took the story down an absolutely unbelievable path as far as human behavior. It’s the end of the world, right? And there is this couple who decides to get married, right? But they refuse to do the deed until they are officially married, right? Because it is the Christian thing to do. Even if it’s the end of the world. I am sorry, but if it’s the end of the world, I think a forgiving Lord is going to let this one go by as a freebie. Hell, they’re already in the tribulation period. Sheesh. But this opinion is why lots of my relatives are certain I am a hell-bound heathen.

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