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June 6, 2009 / Maleesha Kovnesky

That whoooooosh you hear is Facebook sucking at your soul

“I got stuff to do! I got to see my credit rating, I got to send an e-mail to Nelson, check out Foley’s vacation photos…”

– Randy Marsh, South Park 2008 “Over Logging”

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Facebook is destroying my life!  I know this to be true, because I just took a quiz called “Is Facebook destroying your life?” and the results were:

 “Facebook is 97 % desstroying ur life.” 

See?  I can’t argue with statistics. 

It all started last year, around the time MySpace became the internet ‘hood.  I fully enjoyed MySpace, because I knew how to evade the phishing links and I had the speakers on my computer turned off, so when I clicked on someone’s profile I didn’t have to hear the latest tune from <insert boy band here>.  But the first time I got offered virtual meth, I was out of there!

Facebook bored me a lot at first, but then I got an invitation to build a virtual farm.  I received a Plum Tree as a farmwarming gift, and what choice did I have but to plant the fake tree in my fake farm?  It would have been rude to ignore a gift, you know.  Soon my farm was in production, digital crops were being harvested every 24 hours, and I was making enough money that I was able to buy the barn.  Once I had the barn, I was able to slow down on the farm work because my cows and chickens had a place to sleep.  Did you know that fake computerized livestock needs a place to sleep?  I read that on Wikipedia.

SoonI was tasked by my FB peers to answer 25 vital questions about my life.  Much thought was placed into selecting the 25 things, because I was tasked and I didn’t want to let anyone down.  It was a balancing act to come up with some original material while using some standard life questions (what’s your greatest fear?  Would you eat a bug for money?), after all, no one wants to sound like they are trying too hard.

In the meantime, war was brewing and I was invited to World Domination.  I’m not much of a pacifist, so before I knew it I was purchasing cyber-B52s and launching ICBMs at Canada.  That’s kept me busy for a while, but I’ve conquered most of the globe so when I am done I am retiring from the military for GOOD. 

Then a really strange thing happened.  I discovered that FB is the only way I can stay in touch with MOST of the people in my life.  When else am I going to do it?  I have people that I love and miss all over the country and I can now keep tabs on them because of Facebook. 

More and more weirdness ensued.  “Focus groups” and “Causes” started happening on Facebook.  My husband joined and got a few photography gigs from it.  Facebook started to have a purpose other than purely time wasting.  Therefore I can now spend even MORE time online because it’s not just a waste of time anymore.  I imagine there is a quiz about what percentage of time is Good Facebook Time (networking, meaningful notes to old friends) versus Bad Facebook Time (My Farm App, the “What Random Object Are You” quiz). 

I have more to say, but I just had three notifications pop up!  Someone commented on my photo, so I have to either go comment back or go to their page and make a return comment (it’s just polite!).  Someone just gave me a FB hug, and that one I will delete because I don’t do hugs in real life so I sure won’t do them in fake life.  Lastly, I have a facebook friend request that I need to go review and see if I know who it is.  Sometimes I don’t remember until I go see the photos, and I am like “oh yeah, it’s you that good buddy I hung out with in the diner in Jersey back in 2002!  Let’s be FB BFFs 4 eva.”

No seriously, I love this.  Wait!  Another quiz invitation just came in.  The quiz wants to know (and I quote) “How Retartted Are U?”  **

I better go find out!  This could be useful information that I need for tomorrow. 

** Maleesha does not condone or encourage use of the “R” word, even if it is misspelled.

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9 Comments

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  1. Stop Pop Ups / May 28 2010 2:47 pm

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  2. teeni / Jun 20 2009 10:09 pm

    I love that, “blogging for the attentionally deficient.” That really does describe it well. I can’t keep up over there on FB and I do poke in from time to time, but I’m quickly disgusted by how much time people can waste on that thing and lose out on real life. (she said as she blogged)

  3. David / Jun 10 2009 5:56 pm

    Hugging is great. Facebook not so much. I agree with Ian. I don’t even know hardly any of my 134 friends … that well. It’s like blogging for the attentionally deficient, no offense, I log on at least once a day. How else would I know about my workmate finding a couple of beers in her fridge?

    Bumper Sticker: I’d Rather Be Blogging

  4. cherikooka / Jun 9 2009 9:51 am

    I get annoyed by facebook…mostly when Rick is on it instead of paying attention to me. Maybe I should block it on my home network. 🙂

    p.s. I think you secretly like hugging. You always hug me.

    I practice on you because you are safe. I despise hugging. I would like to like it someday.

  5. Jody / Jun 7 2009 7:26 pm

    You should see my blocked applications list just so I don’t have to put up with the crap invites. I’m finding myself avoiding FB more and more. Of course that has been replace by an ever-expanding blog list ;).

  6. morethananelectrician / Jun 7 2009 4:24 pm

    It seems I am like Ian…I have avoided all of those extras and just keep up with people. It just kind of allows me to pop in and out, be a smart ass, see some chickens and get out of there.

  7. Ian / Jun 7 2009 10:02 am

    I’ve found a happy medium for Facebook. I don’t do quizzes or participate in any of the time- and soul-sucking things like Mafia Wars or Farming or whatever the heck people are doing these days. I don’t respond to most invitations to join anything (and block the applications to avoid future hassles). I’ll do notes when people tag me – sometimes – but mostly I just like to follow a few of my closest friends, see what they’re up to, and comment now and again. Like you, Facebook is the only way I can communicate with any of them. Like any invention, it’s a valuable tool if used correctly. Example: using an egg beater to beat eggs = good. Using an egg beater to clean out your colon = bad. That doesn’t make egg beaters bad anymore than it makes Facebook a time-sucking black hole. 🙂

    Yes. Since then I’ve stopped 99% of the games, but I am taking a lot of quizzes lately. Trying to stop that too. I sincerely hope you didn’t have to learn about the egg beater-colon cleanse disconnect firsthand.

  8. Mike / Jun 7 2009 6:05 am

    I got sucked into facebook a few months ago after trying it several times and just not liking it.

    I still don’t like it.

    However, it’s the easiest way to get in touch with several relatives.

    I log into it a couple times a week, maybe, unless I get a notification pop up.

    I still don’t like it.

    It is great for keeping in touch with people. If only it didn’t have notifications and quizzes, I would be all set.

  9. crisitunity / Jun 7 2009 5:47 am

    I keep trying to take quizzes, and I keep getting asked for information I’m not willing to give, so I can’t take the quizzes. It seems like all the Facebook apps are set up this way, so I’ve been able to avoid all this crap so far. I’m just interested in keeping up with people, really, so I try to ignore most requests and so on.

    You don’t hug in real life? That’s sad. Hugging is the e answer to all the world’s problems. Except Facebook addiction. That can’t be solved with hugging.

    I can’t. Hugs exhaust me. After a hug I feel like I need to go take a nap in dark room and not speak to anyone for a month. For a while I wondered if I had Aspergers. I feel incredible awkward and shivery at the following things:
    -hugging
    -watching musicals
    -getting compliments

    I think this has something to do with certain childhood events. I am working on it. Occasionally I initiate a hug like regular people do (say at book club, or running into someone I know at the store that I haven’t seen in a while) but this is only training. I am working on this. by the time I am 75 I may be able to hug without thinking about it.

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