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May 17, 2009 / Maleesha Kovnesky

Thanks for the Six Bucks, Jackasses.

I’ve never had to call the Fraud Department until recently.  You know, the Fraud Department.  Someone stole my check card and went on a crazy spending spree.  They made all kinds of purchases, the greatest being a $560 splurge at Wal-Mart, and the least a $6.06 at a gas station.  As I was reviewing my bank statement, I saw this list of renegade purchases.  Strangely enough, it was the $6.06 purchase that tipped me off…I have never spent only six dollars at a gas station.  I go to gas stations to get gas, not Slurpees.  Anyway, I called the bank.

The Fraud Peeps answered after a long wait, and I told them about the stolen check card.  They were very helpful, and the woman even told me that “the burden of proof is on WalMart to prove that you made these purchases.”  I was comforted, because there is just no way that WalMart could prove that, since I didn’t do it.  I usually use my PIN number at WalMart, and these purchases had been made without PINs being entered. 

A few days later, I noticed that the money for these purchases had been returned to my account.  Yay!  Relief!

A week after that, I got two letters from my bank. 

The first one, dated May 5, read:

We have reviewed the dispute information regarding a purchase of $6.06 at ExxonMobile #1234, and we have determined that this was indeed a fraudulent purchase.  We have refunded the money to your account.”

The second one, dated May 12, read:

“Please see the attached copy of the signed purchase/receipt from Wal Mart.  We believe that this indicates the purchase at WalMart was valid.  We have rebilled your account.”

WHAT!?!?!?!

I flipped to the attached “signed purchase.”  The signature was definitely NOT MINE.  In fact, it wasn’t anyone’s. It looked like a first grader’s depiction of a mountain range.  It looked like someone’s heart rate.  Any moron with half a brain could see that it was a scribble.  This is WalMart’s “evidence” ?  Are you serious???? 

It’s like finding dog poop, putting it in a box, and selling it on EBay as “Brad Pitt’s Poop.”  Sure, sure it is.  Everyone’s going to believe you.  Whateva.  We all know Brad Pitt sells his poo on Fifth Avenue only.

I immediately called the bank.  I waited NINE minutes just to get someone to direct me to the Fraud Peeps, which took an additional six minutes.  The first lady I talked to could not help me, so she found someone who had more “clout,” I guess…then it turns out that douche couldn’t help me either.  She said that my case had been closed, and the only way to re-open it would be to submit my complaint in writing to the individual who was managing my case.  What?  I couldn’t do this over the phone?  Excuse me, but I can’t afford missing the $560 missing from my account while they decide whether or not to reopen the case.  Could they not just FIX IT NOW?  Aren’t these Fraud Departments there specifically to give people the confidence to use check cards in the first place?  I offered the following points to the lady on the phone:

1.  The bitch who stole my card purchased (among lots of other crap) two swimsuits and two ovulation kits.  I would never buy a swimsuit, let alone a swimsuit from WalMart.  Secondly, due to certain “procedures,” we won’t be having any more children, therefore I wouldn’t have a need to purchase ovulation kits.  (Aren’t you happy to know that this thief is actively trying to reproduce?  Her future children should just skip the hospital and go straight to prison, as they have no hope with a mom like that)

The rest of the items she bought was mostly food (potato chips, several hams, ice cream…like five things of ice cream…seems funny she was buying swimsuits AND five things of ice cream…sheesh!) magazines, and some DVDs. 

2.  How can the Fraud Peep decide that yes, my card was stolen so here is your SIX DOLLARS AND SIX CENTS on the fifth…but then turn around and say that it wasn’t stolen on the twelfth?  Did he think that someone stole my card, gave it back, then re-stole it?  Timelines, people, timelines.  So convenient that you decided that the BIG purchase was “valid” but you were kind enough to find the six bucks “fraudulent.”  Asswipes.  Please, take my card, or what’s left of my account after the Ice Cream Swimsuit Burglar got ahold of it, and buy yourself some frickin’ common sense.  Oh, wait, that is definitely not available at your local WalMart.

3.  Why does WalMart ask me for my ID when I made a purchase for anything over fifty bucks, yet let this hose beast get away with over FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS worth of CRAP without asking for an ID?  I want to see video proof.  How can they say that this horizontal bolt of lightning is a signature?

Can you tell I am pissed? 

So the bank’s Fraud Lady, while very polite and understanding, was completely useless.  I have to now submit my complaint in writing, which I plan to fax them every business hour every business day until I get this resolved.  I will call them over, and over, and over.  I hate having to do that, but I will.  Also, once I get my money, I will take my banking business elsewhere. 

Pondering all this, the only thing that makes me happy is imagining the sad, sad wench who stole the card.  I envision her in a dirty, mold-scented bathroom, wearing a too-small swimsuit, ice cream dribbling down her cold-sore covered chin.  Now I imagine her trying to read the directions to the ovulation kit, but since she can’t ready anything but “Teen Beat” or “Hot or Not,” she ends up inserting the stick right up her ass. 

Let’s hope she attempts to conceive in the same fashion, for the future of this country. 

</rant>

P.S.  Dear Thief, I hope that you read the name on my card, and Googled me.  That way, you will end up here, and read this.  I just want you to know I’m not mad at you…hell, five hundred dollars is probably more than you’ll ever make in a year!  If you needed money, you should have just asked.  Stealing is so not cool

P.S.S.  You have a tragically awful diet.  All that salt and fat…my, your cholesterol and blood pressure must be astronomical!

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18 Comments

Leave a Comment
  1. Allison / May 22 2009 9:51 am

    This is defintitely something worthy to submit to ‘Kiplinger’s Personal Finance’. The woman who handles that column (can’t remember her name) would totally kick your bank’s butt. Plus, it would definitely be the most interesting part about that month’s issues.

  2. Liz / May 21 2009 10:54 pm

    I was checking the comments to see if the theif would actually write something here! That would be so funny!

  3. bluesuit12 / May 21 2009 6:03 pm

    Though I am laughing pretty hard at your story, I guess the way you wrote it, the situation totally blows. I really hope you get your money back!

  4. teeni / May 19 2009 9:37 am

    Holy hell. This is so crazy. I have to admit that I loved how you wrote it even though I’m sorry you are having to go through this aggravation. I particularly loved your line about the offspring just going straight to prison from the womb. I about fell off my chair.

  5. curlywurlygurly / May 18 2009 8:57 pm

    nothing says ‘classy’ like dropping almost $600 at crudmart. COME ON! at least shop somewhere decent if you’re going to STEAL from someone else.

    i hope this sitch gets fixed up in a jiffy…but if your bank is anything like mine, it’s probably not likely. here’s to hoping.

  6. carli / May 18 2009 4:26 pm

    hahahahhaha….that is SUCH a funny story. Sucks for you, but made for a killer story. I do have one question for you. They didn’t happen to purchase an ass load of bibles and a subscription to Low Rider magazine did they???

    Ha. No, but I have to say I did think of you and your Low Rider fraudulent purchases.

  7. cherikooka / May 18 2009 2:59 pm

    Girl…that sucks! Seriously sucks. I know you will hound them to the ends of the earth. It just doesn’t make sense. If it is not your signature, than duh! And the dates don’t add up. People can be so stupid!

  8. Rambleicious / May 18 2009 2:03 pm

    Banks are stupid and designed to make things as frustrating as possible – I think they figure you’ll get frustrated enough that you’ll just let them keep that money.

    I bet that’s how they make profit.

    I hope you annoy them horribly and get your money back and then please, please film yourself taking your account elsewhere and telling them to shove it.

    I agree with you that they try their best to tire you out and take money. I am done with megaplexes after this experience. No more.

  9. Pammy Girl / May 18 2009 10:33 am

    Same thing happened to me TWICE except I was able to get my money back without any issue. My bank rocks and the people who stole my debit card purchased things in Moscow. Not Moscow, Idaho (which is somewhere I’ve never been) but in Russia. It was pretty easy to prove I didn’t withdraw hundreds of dollars from an ATM in Russia since I’ve never been.

    Your bank, in a word, sucks. So does Wal-Mart, for that matter, and the jerk who took your card. I’m sure her spawn will bring years of joy.

    Geez. How the heck did it end up in Russia?!!??

  10. morethananelectrician / May 18 2009 8:52 am

    With technology as advanced as it is now, you’d think that there would be some kind of thumb print thing for these purchases…I know that may be intrusive. I have seen some photo IDs on credit/debit cards.

    We have had nubers stolen a couple of times and never had any issues like this.

    WalMart is a place I try to stay away from…but only use cash there.

  11. Stacey / May 18 2009 8:39 am

    I’m impressed that someone could spend $560 at Walmart.

    Me too. I didn’t think there was that much in the whole store.

  12. smalltownsmalltimes / May 18 2009 5:34 am

    You are hilarious. This is hilarious. Her list of stolen items is quite troubling. What, was she just browing? With a stolen credit card? Too bad she didn’t go to Target where the swim suit selection is so much better.

    I think you should just email this post to Walmsart/your bank every hour of every day.

  13. crisitunity / May 18 2009 5:25 am

    YUCK. That is HORRIBLE. Good luck getting your money back.

  14. fawnahareo / May 17 2009 10:37 pm

    Oh, oops. Guess I wasn’t signed in. *sheepish grin*

  15. fawnahareo / May 17 2009 10:37 pm

    Hmmm, I’m digging myself as a triangular multi-eyed monster, but I don’t get why my gravatar doesn’t show.

  16. Fawn / May 17 2009 10:28 pm

    Wow, I’m so angry for you. And yet, I’m laughing. Because even with crap like this you can’t help being funny.

  17. hey it's kyle from work / May 17 2009 10:03 pm

    Holy crap this is quite the story. You should submit it to the consumerist, they might be able to help you.

  18. glassowater / May 17 2009 9:39 pm

    oh goodness, you have no idea how worked up I got reading this. I’m seething right now and it’s not even my issue…..I deal with crap like this with accounts recievable at work and with anybody who owes me a title and you managed to tap right into that. I hope you get to slap a bitch or two while you get this resolved.

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