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March 21, 2009 / Maleesha Kovnesky

Fake Sports Conversations

I was at a drive through a couple days ago, waiting for my order. 

The man behind the window handed me my drink, and stared at my arm.  I wasn’t sure what he was looking at exactly, but then he said “Hey, Team Colorado!” 

I was wearing my fleece jacket from my last job.  “Team Colorado” is emblazoned on the sleeve, and Mr. Drive Thru noticed.

“I’m from Colorado,” he said.  “Grew up in Pueblo.”

“We just moved from Colorado Springs,” I said, making conversation.  Do you ever just feel like not talking?  I do, usually on airplanes and in drive through lanes.

“Too bad about Denver,” he said.  “Don’t you think?”

Here is where I should have just smiled and kept my mouth shut.  I wasn’t sure what he was talking about.  Did something happen to Denver when I wasn’t paying attention?  Was it still there?  “Denver?” 

“Broncos.  I just can’t believe they fired Shanahan,” he said.  “No one saw that coming, did they?”

I shook my head, feigning disbelief.  “No one saw it,” I agreed.  “Never would have guessed.”

“Not in a million years!”  He laughed.  “Did you say you wanted Coke?”

“Yes,” I said.  “Thanks.”

“They could hire <NAME I ALREADY FORGOT>,” he continued.  “I have a good feeling that <NAME I ALREADY FORGOT> is going to <ACTION I ALREADY FORGOT> when he ought to be <OPTION I ALSO FORGOT>, don’t you think?”

I was in too deep.  “I just kind of take a wait and see approach,” I said. 

“What else ya gonna do?”  He shook his head.  “It reminds me of when the <OTHER TEAM HE FOLLOWS> traded <SO AND SO>.  They had the <BEST OR WORST SEASON> in their history.”

He chuckled.  “I know what you mean,” he said (which was surprising because I didn’t even know what I meant).  “But when <SO AND SO> did <THAT ONE THING> I had a feeling that <THIS OTHER SCENARIO> but then <INCIDENT> happened.  Sorry this is taking so long, it will only be a few more minutes.”

To make a long story shorter than it could be, it was a very uncomfortable ten minutes.  I don’t follow sports like some people do.  The sports section is immediately composted along with the banana peels if I get the paper first.  March Madness drives me mad for other reasons.  I feel as though my apathy of sports puts me in a minority of some kind, like I could have applied for the Sports Atheistic Scholarship Award and gone to college for free. 

But I would never utter the words “I don’t follow sports,” in public.  I’d be more comfortable saying “I worship Satan,” or “Human brains are delicious.”  I do not know why this is so.  It just is. 

I can get into hockey, especially if I am watching it live.  I like my sports with a bit of violence, real violence, not WWE violence.  Then again, I always liked baseball, mostly because there are certain things you have to do in America: eat cheeseburgers, pay for cable, and enjoy watching baseball.  I stopped watching…and liking…baseball years ago when they went on strike for more money. 

Basketball drives me insane…it’s too much back and forth and the scores always seem two to four points away from each other, which bores me. 

If I could design the perfect sport, I would build a giant Colosseum.  It would be named something like the Verizon Colosseum, brought to you by the Letter V and sponsored by Ford.  There would be lots of bright lights, and people selling hot dogs and iced drinks.  That guy with the voice would yell Are you ready to ruuuuuuummmmmbllllllle! 

On one end of the field, convicted felons of the particularly nasty varietywould emerge wearing loincloths made of steak.  On the other end, a pack of starved (yet spry) tigers would leap out.  The buzzer would sound, and the crowd would cheer.  Tickets would be cheap because only one team would be paid, in salmon.

I could get in to a sport like that.



Leave a Comment
  1. Taoist Biker / Mar 23 2009 12:28 pm

    Your idea is awesome, but it’ll only fly if you allow people to bet on it. Say, paint numbers on the felons’ backs and allow people to bet on who lasts longest?

    Maybe I’ve been reading too much HST.

    I would totally allow people to bet on it. That is a great idea. The numbers could be painted on them with the blood of the victims of the previous match….

  2. teeni / Mar 23 2009 12:08 pm

    HAHA! I love hockey but don’t really follow any other sports. I really don’t follow hockey much anymore either but it is the one I like best – I could care less about the others. It is funny thought that people just assume you follow sports because of your clothes or because you are from somewhere.

  3. Greg / Mar 22 2009 9:53 pm

    Oh damn . . . I laughed my ass off all the way through this.

  4. David / Mar 22 2009 6:50 pm

    Ooh. You have some pretty good ideas for cool new game shows maleesha! How about we have investment bankers in there too? They could wear loincloths maid of chicken breasts. Or maybe the felons and the money grubbers could just go at it with hockey sticks!?

    LOL on the conversational substitution tags like 😀

  5. crisitunity / Mar 22 2009 5:44 pm

    I’ve never been the least bit interested in sports, and I’ve fortunately never been in the situation you described here – having to hold up your end of a detailed conversation about sports. Generally when sports come up when I’m in a group setting I study the wall or the drink in my hand until the topic changes.

    In the wider world, I think this does indeed put us in the minority. Frankly it’s a minority I’m happy to be in. But you’re right, it’s not easy to admit in public.

  6. bluesuit12 / Mar 22 2009 5:05 pm

    I don’t really follow sports and get bored when that’s all people seem to want to talk about. Though I love old baseball and apparently get quite heated when discussing modern baseball and the financial aspect of it all. I did go see a hockey game a couple of years ago and was mesmerized even though I had no idea what was going on. Your sport sounds like a winner though!

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