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December 24, 2008 / Maleesha Kovnesky

My Son vs. The Mall

Everyone has heard of the “terrible twos.”  Well, it’s a bunch of BS, really.  Two year olds are darling angels.  I think the “Terrible Twos” are a made-up phenomenom to give parents false hope that things are going to get easier.  My son didn’t develop an attitude until he was in his third year.  Now that he is four, life is a whole new ball game.

I met my mom and my son at the mall earlier this week for lunch.  We decided to look around and do some shopping.  Christmas lights, music, and the holiday hustle and bustle were in full swing.  A life-size statue of Santa made my son jump up and down in anticipation.  He was beginning to get really wound up.  And due to a cold, his nose was running with slimy boogness (This has relevance).

We all went into a gift shop for about three seconds.  We left after it was apparent that if we kept my son in there, he would accidentally destroy every glass item on display. 

Next we went to lunch.  Next to the food court is a kid’s arcade, ripe with horsey rides and quarter-sucking machines that dispense melamine-laced toys from China.  He begged for two quarters to play the Candy Game.  You know, the game where you move the mechanical arm and it swoops down to grab two-year old Smarties? 

He loved all seven seconds of the Candy Game.  I was glad to see that he actually won something.  He won a Werther’s Original.  A freaking fifty-cent Werther’s Original. 

Next he had to go to the bathroom.  He won’t go into a men’s bathroom alone yet, and since I read the news, I really don’t want him to yet.  So he came in with me.  I decided I better “go” too, so I waited for him to finish then sat down.  Of course he was done, so he unlocked the door and left me there in the stall with the door hanging open.  We were in the handicapped stall (you use it with kids, and I think they are a valid handicap while shopping) and the door was too far away for me to grab.  “Hi,” I waved to the people waiting in line.

I washed my hands, and my son had already prepared for the drying by retrieving me approximately eighty feet of paper towel. 

We went into Macy’s in search of slipper-boots.  My son walked past the perfume counter and decided to dash behind it to see what was back there.  “Get out of there!” my mom said.  He gave us a mischievous grin and followed us.  For approximately three seconds, he was good.  Then he saw a demo shiatsu massage chair on display and quickly jumped up on it, grabbing the buttons to see what it did.

“Don’t press the Launch button,” I told him.

“Which one is that?” he asked.

“I’m not sure,” I said.  “Just don’t press it.  It will launch you to the moon.  Here, take your coat.  It’s cold on the moon.”

He looked at me suspiciously.  Just to be on the safe side, he climbed out of the chair, wiping his nose on his sleeve.

We didn’t see any slipper boots. 

“Maybe they are near the socks and underwear,” my mom suggested.  We went to the other side of the store in search of them.  My son darted in and out of racks of clothing.  After nearly taking out the knees of a stranger, he got a little scared and finally came close to me.

We looked up and down the racks.  No slipper boots.  Oh well.  “Come on, AJ.  Let’s go,” I said.

I looked over to him.  His boogery face was buried in a rack of pink silk lingerie.

“GET OUT OF THERE!”

He pulled his face away from the lacy, silky garments; a string of snot connecting him to a pair of…of…well I am not quite sure how you’d put it on.  We hurried out of the store and made a beeline for the car. 

I have a sinking feeling that somewhere out there is a man in a hurry who is going to go shopping for his wife or girlfriend. 

He will be in such a hurry during his last minute shopping that he won’t notice the dried green organism attached to the pink…thing that he grabs off the rack and takes to the checkout counter. 

Just imagine her face as she opens the package!

Merry Christmas.

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8 Comments

Leave a Comment
  1. pikespeakdenise / Dec 30 2008 6:41 am

    Launch button! Brilliant!

  2. teeni / Dec 27 2008 10:09 pm

    LOL. Ewwwww! LOL. 😉

  3. Expat 21 / Dec 27 2008 6:03 pm

    I remember well being between the ages of four and six and doing all of these things you describe to my mother. I remember even pretending to have to go the restroom in a department store, and making all sorts of trouble for my mother, just because I was curious to see “what it looked like.”

    I also remember the feeling of “being treated like a baby” when my mother would take me in stores and tell me NOT TO TOUCH ANYTHING!!!

    Expat 21
    “Expat Abroad” in the Middle East
    expat21.wordpress.com

  4. bluesuit12 / Dec 27 2008 3:16 pm

    Completely hilarious! You’re brave to take a four year old shopping to the mall so close to Christmas.

  5. David / Dec 26 2008 5:08 pm

    Hilarious post maleesha. You are so right about the “terrible twos” being total BS. Three is exponentially worse behavior-wise!

    OMG, snot in the lingerie!! ROFL!

    Happy Holidays!

  6. cherikooka / Dec 26 2008 12:05 pm

    That sounds like loads of fun!

  7. romi41 / Dec 24 2008 2:02 pm

    Haha, what a good trick to tell him to avoid the launch sequence on the chair, Merry Christmas! 🙂

  8. morethananelectrician / Dec 24 2008 12:02 pm

    What an excellent story and you told it brilliantly.

    You also win for making me laugh hard enough to bring back my headache from this morning. I could just picture myself going up to a register with something like this…

    If there was EVER any doubt on things being washed before wearing, you just cleared it up for us. Thanks.

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