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September 3, 2008 / Maleesha Kovnesky

I Acceptify Your Nomination

Recently an award was bestowed upon my wee blog, presented by both Crisitunity and Dead Charming. First of all, thanks for reading. While I do take all of my readers very seriously, I love your comments, and I love stalking reading your blogs every single day, due to recent events in our country I have been inspired to write a little acceptance speech of my own. Before I appear on CNN at the upcoming BNC (Bloggers National Convention), I wanted to run it by you:

America, I humbly accept these awards from my blog friends, even though the award appears to be French in origin.

I have created a Me Wall to post them in. This Me Wall will be the location of past, present and future recognition, so keep the awards coming in. In return, I am going to lower taxes and raise happiness. I’m making rain illegal except for in drought areas. I am enforcing discounts on food while at the same time putting organic produce on the shelves of all stores. I plan to accomplish my plans by immediately cutting 83% of the budgets of both Exxon and the Sierra Club. The money gained will be diverted as follows:

30% – Focus on the Family
30% – Zero Population Growth
35% – PepsiCo
7% – PETA

Yes America, I realize this comes to 102%. That’s because I plan to give 102% at all times. You may have heard people make rash claims of being able to give 110%. I say, Bollocks! Everyone knows you can’t do that.

I understand that I might face some scrutiny for accepting these awards due to ongoing internal investigations of family issues, as well as alleged illegal activity in my past. And sure, there was the time I almost let my best friend get eaten by a German Shepherd, but I dare you to name one person in this great country who has not taken a misstep a time or two. The fact is, my background clearly shows that I am human, and at least 93% human at that, which means I have a lot in common with you. That’s why I am asking for your continued support and contributions. Especially the contributions…which I prefer in denominations of $50 and $100. I need better footwear for the campaign trail, and it starts with you.

We need change in America, but we must take appropriate steps to stay exactly the same as we have been for decades. We don’t want to make rash changes in our way of life even though we can’t stand the way it is right now, which is why I am proposing free housing for everyone. I am going to pay for the homes by placing a small tax on air. It won’t cost you money though, because I will only tax the top 2% of oxygen consumers, as determined by Fox News.

Also, we are going to drill for oxygen on Mars with my new Mars program. We won’t have to pay for that at all, because I am going to ask Congress to invade Europe and take all of their olives. We need an America that uses olives instead of corn, for both environmental and health reasons.  Olive oil is a safer bet than corn-based biofuels, I know this because I saw it in print at the grocery store checkout line.  Just imagine driving in a vehicle that emits only pure, clean, Mediterranean food. Your soda will now have olive oil as the main ingredient, instead of corn syrup. We are going to replace the fifty stars on the flag with fifty olives. It’s this kind of out-of-the-box thinking that we need. And I’m going to make it happen, now that you have voted for me.

As I wrap up my acceptance speech, the great duty of passing on the award to seven more bloggers of note must be accomplished. After a thorough vetting process, I have determined the following seven bloggers have no felonies or illegitimate children I nominate the following seven bloggers. Please visit their blogs too, and visit them often. You will live longer. You will be more intelligent, and more good-looking. You will feel like you just ate a big bowl of Bran Flakes.

Except that I can’t nominate another seven bloggers, because that would make my awards not as meaningful. That, and everyone I would nominate has already been nominated once or twice (Crisitunity, Allison, More than an Electrician, Dead Charming) and it’s going to start looking like serious blog nepotism around here. Is that only four? Well you can’t expect me to be this award-worthy AND know how to count. Besides, what kind of acceptance speech would this be if I didn’t immediately break a campaign promise? You will forget, won’t you? Look! It’s Elvis!

Let’s turn our attention to more meaningful, important things right now:

Prison Break!

Miracle Cat!

TV Premiere Dates!

But seriously, thanks for thinking of me. It makes the carpal tunnel totally worth it. 🙂

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9 Comments

Leave a Comment
  1. faemom / Oct 14 2008 2:17 pm

    That was a great speech!

  2. morethananelectrician / Sep 4 2008 6:44 pm

    You will have my support at the BNC and thank you for passing the award on to me.

  3. bluesuit12 / Sep 4 2008 7:47 am

    Loved the speech! And I’m glad to see Prison Break was first on your list of important things.

  4. maleesha / Sep 3 2008 8:27 pm

    Crap! I haven’t seen it yet. But I am going to Fox.com to catch up now. I didn’t even know that it was coming on this soon!

  5. romi41 / Sep 3 2008 8:08 pm

    Congrats on the award! Your blog is a delight to visit every time 🙂

    And I missed Prison Break, but I heard (shut your eyes if you haven’t seen it) that 5 people got knocked off in the first 15 minutes…I’m gonna have to catch up now…

  6. Carli / Sep 3 2008 7:14 pm

    That was too freakin funny.
    “O-live America”

  7. teeni / Sep 3 2008 2:08 pm

    Congratulations! Awesome speech! Now everybody is gonna be tagging you with awards so they can get speeches like this. 😉

  8. crisitunity / Sep 3 2008 12:39 pm

    This was a funny post. I would write more about all the ways I thought it was funny, but I’m engrossed in the tale of the MILfH.

  9. fawnahareo / Sep 3 2008 12:01 pm

    Great speech! Encore! Encore!

    And “félicitations “!

That's what she said!

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