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June 16, 2008 / Maleesha Kovnesky

The Complicated Future of Parking

I went to Wal*Mart yesterday.  Wal*Mart ranks right up there with the dentist on the “Enjoyable” chart.  But before you get to enter the doors and experience all the gray fluorescent white tiled glory, you have to find a place to park.

I pulled down the front of the store then turned to drive up one of the aisles. I passed what seemed like acres of handicapped spots, a couple of expectant mother spots, ah!  Finally a car pulling out a few rows down.  I pulled into the spot and I was face to face with a sign that said

SENIOR CITIZEN PARKING ONLY

What?  Okay, I am on board with the handicapped parking spots.  Even though I have never understood why the gym needed to have sixty, I am on board.  And having experienced the oblong and front heavy joy that is pregnancy, I can get on board with one or two “Stork Parking” spots.  But a whole, long row of senior citizen parking?  Really?  Just what is a senior citizen?  The sign made me envision the seniorest of the seniors…eighty five year olds, ninety seven…people who you’d see and think “Dude!  Why are you at Wal Mart?  Is the hospice closed?  Please tell me you didn’t drive!”  Truthfully, there are plenty of senior citizens (I believe you still get to claim the title at 55 and enroll in AARP) that are young enough to cross a parking lot.  And I would think that the 55-65 range would be a great time to get some walking in before the inevitable multiple organ failures.  Can’t the seniors who need special parking maybe fall into some other category, say handicapped?

I only ask because we are opening the doors to the parking lots of the future by structuring ourselves this way.  I’m all for the seniors who need special parking to have special parking.  But I can’t help but think there’s gotta be some seniors who are just a bit offended at a sign labeling them as “Guy Who Needs To Park Closer to the Bathroom.”

Anyway, it was one of those days where the parking lot was solidly packed.  Any spot that appeared to be parkable, upon closer inspection revealed a motorcycle or a <PARKING FOR EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH> or <FIFTEEN MINUTE PARKING> signs.  I ended up searching for a while before I found a spot that seemed to be in the business across the street.  I noticed that most of the handicapped and senior parking remained empty, while fully-legged and young folks were left to take the covered wagon.  Thankfully it was a nice day outside and walking was a good thing.  But I couldn’t help but think that all these new “PARKING ONLY” signs are just a taste of what’s to come…

I’m telling you we have to stand up now to the…to the…does anyone have a clue who regulates parking lot protocols?  I’ll have to look that up.  Until then, I present to you, the FUTURE.

The parking lot of your future.  Vote for Obama...he will never let this happen!

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10 Comments

Leave a Comment
  1. elementaryteacher / Jun 24 2008 4:32 pm

    Very clever post! I enjoyed it.

    Best regards,
    Eileen
    Dedicated Elementary Teacher Overseas

  2. Allison / Jun 24 2008 12:45 pm

    *sigh of relief* for Christianity. Take that left-handed parkers…I am way closer to the star.

  3. maleesha / Jun 22 2008 11:05 am

    Ahhh, well maybe it makes you feel better that they’re paying out the arse to fill up. I know I smile every time I see a Hummer driving around. Bastages.

  4. Carli / Jun 22 2008 11:03 am

    Well here in “Everything’s Bigger in Texas” everyone has either a duelie or an H3 (to drive over the rugged terrain or mountain passes I suppose)which means an obligatory 1 1/2 parking spaces per vehicle. Sucks!

  5. pikespeakdenise / Jun 18 2008 8:06 pm

    Mmmm, quiche.

  6. maleesha / Jun 18 2008 4:19 am

    Stork parking is the best. Even though 9 times out of 10 a man with a receding hairline uses it. He’s usually wearing a Metallica T-shirt nd smoking a cigarette.

  7. Emily / Jun 17 2008 10:26 pm

    Here in L.A., electric cars already get special parking because they can park in certain spots reserved for recharging. What drives me nuts is no stork parking. I am very pregnant with two small kids. All I want is to get in the door without one of them running for the hills.

  8. Ian / Jun 17 2008 7:54 pm

    You should have made the “from California” spaces extra wide because them bastiches don’t know how to park between regular lines.

  9. Cherikooka / Jun 17 2008 11:12 am

    Excellent drawring.

  10. Dave / Jun 17 2008 5:41 am

    I guarantee you the “hybrid vehicle parking” is coming. As businesses try to capitalize on “go green”, they’ll want to show how green they are right in the parking lot.

    And Low Income Parking should be closer. We know that we need to “help” them, so the rich bastards should be forced to park across the street. At least, that’s if the Dems win the White House. 🙂

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