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May 24, 2008 / Maleesha Kovnesky

Twilight Zone Bathroom Behavior

You’ve already heard about Dude in the Woman’s Bathroom, but I have more awkward bathroom behavior to share. 

On Friday I tried to get in the single-stall bathroom, but someone was in there weeping.  It was a full-on sob.  I’ve encountered bathroom crying at my previous job, so this would normally not be a big deal.  Except this is the second day in a row that someone locked themselves in the bathroom to cry.  It happens right after lunchtime.  I feel terrible that someone is in there crying, because there isn’t any Kleenex and the toilet paper is slightly crunchy.  I want to go in and say “Do you need a Kleenex” but that would suck for the sobber to know that someone heard them crying…if they wanted a public cry, they’d be doing it at their desk.  Whoever you are, please have a better week.

So I ventured to the other bathroom.  This one is a two-staller, and someone else was in there, natch.  But it wasn’t until I really sat down in my stall that I heard what sounded like…crying.  What the heck…did everybody die today?  It didn’t take me long to translate that this crying wasn’t the sad kind…it was the oh my jeebus I hate throwing up this hard crying.  I leaned down to do a shoe-peek.  The feet were facing the porcelain.  Whoever was next door was mid-barf. 

Now there are only a couple of activities that I truly dread in life; one is flying, the other is most certainly vomiting.  Hearing it is almost as bad as doing it yourself. 

There I was in the stall, trying to complete the task at hand and race out of the bathroom.  But the Goddess of Puke was just finishing up, and she opened the stall door to leave.  I decided to…er, stall, myself.  I flushed twice to kill some seconds, hoping that she would wash her hands and leave.  I crinkled up some TP.  I pretended to blow my nose.  I didn’t want to come face-to-face with the puker.  But she was taking her time out there.  I had no choice but to exit the stall. 

She was standing there, wiping at her mascara with a wet paper towel.  

“Are you okay?” I asked. 

“Sorry about that,” she said.  “I think I ate something bad at lunch.”

I sure hope that was it.  The other two alternatives are bulimia or influenza.  One would be bad for her and the other would be bad for me. 

In the meantime, I’m going to stop drinking water throughout the day.  My workplace bathroom encounters are getting really awkward. 

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5 Comments

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  1. Traci / May 28 2008 8:57 pm

    I think I’d have to enter therapy if I walked in on someone mid-barf. Soooo traumatic!!!

  2. pikespeakdenise / May 27 2008 1:36 pm

    Man, how can you enjoy your morning coffee never knowing what’s around the corner when you need to pee?!

  3. Allison / May 26 2008 5:17 am

    Argh, I heard somebody puking in a restaurant restroom last weekend. So this weekend we returned to the same restaurant and I jokingly told my husband that I heard somebody puking again. He said, “I hope not, because we coudln’t eat here anymore.” Duh. Hearing other people puke is definitely worse than doing it yourself.

  4. Stacey / May 25 2008 9:17 am

    I’d take the crier over the puker, hands down. Of course, who knows how long it would take to wait the crier out?

  5. Ian Thomas Healy / May 24 2008 11:01 pm

    Oh dear…

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