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April 1, 2008 / Maleesha Kovnesky

Fancy Toasters: Just set your money on fire instead

In fact, holding a slice of bread over burning wads of money isn’t a bad idea, if you want good toast.

 Why is it so hard to find a good toaster?  The toaster of my youth was a heavy thing that could probably survive a direct hit from a meteor.  I wonder what happened to it.  I bet my mom threw it away during the Great Toaster Scare of the 80’s, when the breaking news announced that toasters were spontaneously combusting and setting the neighborhoods afire.  She probably replaced it with one of the cheap plastic toasters that they make today. 

I just want a toaster that makes nice, brown toast.  Every toaster I ever purchased does this:  I set the “level” to 1, and the toast comes out looking a lot like it went in.  I set the level to 2, and the toast starts smoking, and I have to press the Eject button, and out comes a black chunk of charcoal.  The real laugh is that there are levels 3, 4, and 5 that remain untested!  Those must be the settings you use to heat your house in winter.

Our toaster in Colorado was a piece-o-junk so we bought a new toaster to celebrate our move.  It’s a nice Oster four-slice, but it’s four slices in two slots “the long way” instead of a fat little toaster with four slots.  It wasn’t a cheapo $11.99 toaster, either.  I’ve bought my share of $11.99 toasters and they usually die a month later (I make a lot of toast).

Well this toaster is a FAILURE!  Not only does it have the same problem discussed above, but it only toasts half the bread!  The slots, while lengthy, aren’t deep enough.  So with a decent piece of bread, the bottom of the toast will be crisp-erffic, the top will remain soft and unbaked. 

Casey had an antique toaster in his basement. 


I should have asked for it instead of those stupid butterscotch disks.  Little did I know that in the case of toasters, like many other things, they just don’t make ’em like they used to.


One Comment

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  1. Opal Webb / Jan 30 2010 7:09 am

    A chum urged me to read this post, great post, fanstatic read… keep up the cool work!

That's what she said!

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