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November 27, 2007 / Maleesha Kovnesky

Christmas Letters – Part 2

Now here is the Christmas letter I’ve always wanted to sent out…purely fictional, mind you.  It would be a statement.  A Christmas letter that would send other Christmas letters running:

“Hey everyone. 

It’s the holidays again so here is my annual update.  Sorry I’m sending this on spiral notebook paper…I tried to pick off the little paper shreds the best I could.  Hope the ink isn’t too smudgy, I had to borrow a pen from my landlord and it’s not working too well.

It’s been a #$%& year.  My old man is still in the Supermax, but the boy and I try our best to catch the bus to Florence every other Tuesday so we can visit.  Last time we went though, the boy caught a nasty cold sore from kissing that plexiglass a little too much.  He really misses his daddy. 

Lost my job at the Wal Mart…boss said I didn’t greet very well.  So I’m looking for work.  I spotted a flyer on a telephone pole the other day though, said I could make up to five grand a week working from home!  I called the number, sent them a deposit to get started, now I’m just waiting to hear back!  Wish me luck.  Hey, as long as it ain’t sellin’ rat poison door to door again, I’ll be happier than a pig in s$&#!

The boy lost his arm playing on the train tracks last month.  You’d think that dumb little %$#& woulda knowed better after seeing his cousin do the same thing a coupla months ago.  Kids.  Pshaw.  I had to give the ER a fake address (Edna…if you get a bill, just rip it up) but they managed to sew his stump shut.  Those pros…prosth…fake arm thingamajigs are really pricey, so I made one out of cheesecloth and kielbasa.   As long as he’s wearin’ a sweatshirt, you can barely notice a thing!  I knew that Home Ec class would finally pay off one day.

The trailer burnt down the other morning when I was trying a new recipe for pancakes, I shoulda knowed better than to use motor oil, but I was out of canola.  We lost just about everything, which wasn’t much, but thankfully m’ brother finally got married and he sent me half his gift cards!  I never knew him to be so generous.  I don’t know how I’m going to spent that fifty bucks, but I’m ready to get started! 

Enclosed is a picture of my brother’s wedded bliss. 

 

That’s not their trailer though, that’s just the one where they had the ceremony. 

Happy Christmas to you all.

M

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2 Comments

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  1. cherikooka / Nov 28 2007 10:07 am

    HA!

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