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October 31, 2007 / Maleesha Kovnesky

October 31

People keep asking me “what I am going to be for Halloween.” 

Just to clarify, I detest Halloween.  Detest

Kiss My Punkin

I have to say that the last year I enjoyed Halloween, I was about eight years old and I got a whole pillowcase full of candy.  Ever since then, Halloween has been a drag.  I can’t explain why I don’t like it, I just don’t.  I like the endless supply of cavity enhancers.  I like watching The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown.  I like roasting pumpkin seeds.  But I don’t like the holiday itself.  It’s great fun for little kids, and I like seeing wee people dressed up as furry characters and pirates and superheroes.  I do not like seeing little kids covered in fake blood and wielding plastic cutlery.  I also do not like it when teenagers trick or treat, especially when they do not wear costumes.  Dude, if you are going to show up at my house with breath that smells like you raided your dad’s liquor cabinet, and ask for candy, at least have the decency to make an effort.  Remember how to make a ghost costume?  Sheet.  Scissors.  Done. 

I’m at a coffee shop now, waiting for the dealership to fix our car and come pick me up.  As I was typing that first paragraph, a three hundred pound woman entered the shop.  She is dressed in a purple and black tie-die dress.  On her back are huge, glittery butterfly wings that look like they took a long time to make.  All this is fine and good, but she turned to grab her latte and swiped the lady behind her, right in the nose, with one of those stupid ass wings.  I fantasize about telling her she looks like a jerk.

See?  Halloween makes me really crabby and apparently,  judgemental.  On the radio this morning, they said that Americans spent $5 Billion dollars on Halloween this year.  B-b-b-b-billion?  On fake blood and candy corn?  No wonder other countries hate us.   

I do confess that I really like November 1, when all the candy is half price. 

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One Comment

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  1. cherikooka / Oct 31 2007 10:29 pm

    I love halloween and I love to dress up. I hate the candy part.

That's what she said!

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