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October 31, 2007 / Maleesha Kovnesky

Malls Stink

I had the unpleasure of entering a mall today.  Those who know me are aware that I was born without a gene common to many women; the genes that increase female desire to purchase jewelry, perfume, and flowers.  This gene also regulates the mall-crawl instinct, and since I don’t have it, I don’t like to go to malls. 

But I need new contact lenses, and Lenscrafters is in the mall.  I entered through a department store and was instantly greeted by that departmenty smell: leather, imported fabrics, and cologne. 

To get to the actual mall, a shopper is forced to go by the cosmetics and perfume counter.  There is no way around it, unless you have mole teeth and decide to burrow under the floor to get out.  I have used satellite photography and infrared measuring techniques, and my studies conclude that the mall people have designed department stores in such a way that you cannot avoid walking by some area of the perfume counter. 

Walking by the perfume counter is hazardous to your health.  Besides the overpowering, gag-inducing array of scent upon scent, each type of perfume or cosmetic is accompanied by a very, very lame advertisement.  A lady riding a tiger.  A lady riding a carousel.  A lady riding P. Diddy, or whatever his name is nowadays (I am not kidding).  Who buys this crap?  Were the ads always this stupid?  And what about the perfume names themselves?  What does Boucheron smell like? Does every celebrity think they need their own perfume bottle?  Why do my eyes hurt when I walk by this stupid counter?

It’s not just perfume names that tend to be ridiculous.  Apparently we in America cannot stand to purchase soap that is “soap scented.”  I passed a bath and body type store and there was a big advertisement for a soap that was “Moonlight Path” scented.  Now I don’t  know about you, but I have never smelled the distinct smell of a moonlight path.  What does a moonlight path smell like?  Oranges?  Burning paint?  A farm?  I would have to buy the stuff to find out, and then I’d have to take it home because soap from a bath and body store is way more expensive than normal soap, meaning it would be too pricey to dispose of.  Then I would take it home and my bathroom would suddenly smell like the mall.  No thanks.

The one good thing about today’s mall excursion was this observation:  Teenagers today really dress like bums.  Bums, I tell you.  Which means that I am suddenly in style. 



Leave a Comment
  1. Smellinc / May 12 2011 12:06 pm

    Yes! I like to shop but can’t stand the perfume either. To make matters worse stores are now pumping the fragrances through their air conditioning systems. It’s really sad.

  2. elementaryteacher / Nov 1 2007 8:49 pm

    I never appreciated malls until I lived overseas where NOTHING, and I mean NOTHING was available. Then, I could understand why my husband (from the Middle East) was so fascinated with all the malls in Denver!

    Dedicated Elementary Teacher Overseas

  3. cherikooka / Oct 31 2007 10:28 pm

    I like shopping, but I hate malls too! Especially the perfume counter…ugh!

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