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July 10, 2007 / Maleesha Kovnesky

Just throw it on your whole wheat tortilla…

Eating healthy can be a real pain in the ass.  Mostly because society has fashioned really simple, available breakfasts out of what appears to be leftover cheese and old airplane parts.  Somehow, they make this stuff taste good. 

I’ve been skipping breakfast a lot, and this is not a good practice.  I usually have a bowl of cereal in the morning, something good like Grape Nuts (snicker) or some type of bran flakes.  I’ve never been a fan of colored O’s, or anything with marshmallows.  But after a month of Grape Nuts (heh heh) I’m looking for a change. 

Conveniently, my commute to work drives by at least seventeen fast-food chains, a Dunkin’ Donuts, and a La Casita (delightful!).  Ninety-nine percent of the time I drive right on by these places of certain doom and make it to work sans paper-bag-o-calories.  When I make it through the lard-caked gauntlet, I arrive at work only to hear someone say “Wanna get coffee?”  This phrase translates to Let’s go to Starbucks.  I have not yet learned to say no to the green monster, so I go.  And if I’m hungry, I get a scone with my coffee.  AUGH! 

So this was a long mass of words to get to the point…breakfast can be difficult.  Healthy breakfast, that is.  So I googled “healthy breakfast” and got many results, lots of web pages written by chirpy women who probably don’t work fifty hours a week.  Their advice always goes something like this:

“Hey y’all!  Eatin’ healthy is easy!  I like to scramble a coupla egg whites using non-stick spray every morning!  I throw in some fresh salsa, chopped Romaine, and three particles of nonfat cheese into a whole-wheat tortilla, and I’m set!  Yea, me!”

First of all, I don’t necessarily agree that whippin’ up egg whites every morning is “easy.”  And who the eff keeps a supply of whole-wheat tortillas in the fridge?  I try to keep regular ol’ tortillas in the cheese drawer (you know, incase someone wants a taco) and they inevitably go bad before I remember they’re there to use them.  I purchase a bag-o-tortillas every month.  I throw out an expired tortilla package once a month, too.

Then there is the issue of taste.  Whole wheat tortillas suck.  There is a reason that tortillas are bad for you (they are…read the label) but all that crap they put in there is the reason they taste like tortillas.  If you take out the fat and the flour, then replace it with a bunch of frickin’ grains and hay, then what you have left is a shit pancake.

Once I win the lottery and move to an organic farm, I plan to make some serious changes.  This farm will have a lovely cook named Myrtle, and she will always have non-expired tortillas to fill with freshly chopped and scrambled ingredients.  The eggs will come from my flock of free-range chickens who are tended to by Renauldo, the barnskeeper.  Each morning I will endure a deep-tissue massage from Hans (my live-in masseuse), after which I will ride my carriage to the picnic table overlooking the river, where my burrito will await. 

Until then, it’s Grape Nuts.



Leave a Comment
  1. Nikki / Mar 11 2010 5:04 pm

    i really like the way that you talk shit about wannabe healthy foods and how not easy it really is. the tortilla thing had me cracking up. i feel the same way about it. your the first person i have heard talk like that except myself of course:)

  2. sam6565 / May 15 2009 5:55 pm

    that was amazing!
    you make health struggles
    hilariously funny and real
    thanks for that

  3. pikespeakdenise / Jul 10 2007 4:20 pm

    Possibly your best blog ever. At LEAST the best one this month. 😉 Shit pancakes. lol I hope I will be welcome to visit the farm!

  4. Ian / Jul 10 2007 1:07 am

    …which, surprisingly, have neither grapes nor nuts in them, right?


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