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February 14, 2007 / Maleesha Kovnesky

Toilet Seat Protection

Republicans and Democrats.  Yanks and Southerners.  Divide America up as many ways as you want, but we all know when it comes down to it, there are only two groups that truly separate us: those who use paper toilet seat covers, and those who don’t.

I fall into the category of “don’t.”  Until I hear about some widespread epidemic of butt-to-butt transmitted disease (rather, butt-to-seat-to-seat-to-butt…that other kind already exists I think), I feel quite safe sitting on the average toilet seat.  Now I have seen some in New York City clubs that I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole; I’m talking the kind of mess that wouldn’t be fixed with a millimeter-thick piece of crepe paper anyway. 

I think that the person or entity that came up with the idea of paper toilet seat covers is probably smiling from their beachfront property right now.

Why did I think to write about this today?  I was in a bathroom in Santa Maria, CA and there were toilet seat covers that had “Life Guard” emblazoned on the package.  Life Guard.  Can you imagine?  The name suggests that I am somehow in danger if I sit on this particular throne without placing a toilet seat cover down first. 

I decided to try one.  Mostly because I heard another lady come into the bathroom and she was definitely a toilet-seat cover user (you can always tell by the crunching sound).  I thought, heck, why not?  Besides, I imagine that many toilet seat cover users listen for the crunch coming from other stalls.  If they don’t hear it, they probably think Ew.  I’ll never use stall #4 in this bathroom again. 

Let me tell you why not!  As an inexperienced seat cover user, I found that I wasted three seat covers trying to get them out of the dispenser.  The first one ripped, so it no longer had the proper bowl shape–protection powers destroyed!  The second one came out similarly to the first, except the rip was more vertical up one side of the seat, rendering the entire thing flushable.  The third one I finally got to cover the seat, but the middle wouldn’t fold down and I was afraid to use it, I mean, wouldn’t it kind of melt away as I was sitting on it?  I mean, what kind of absorption does this kind of paper have?  I was confused and found the whole thing a terrible waste.  So I flushed all the seat covers away and remembered my roots.  I do not use seat covers! 

I’m sorry.  I just don’t buy into the usefulness of paper toilet seat protection. 

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